I hate cult-y behavior.
I don’t mean where someone shaves their head and gives their money to a charismatic leader and has sex with him every night until a parent comes to pick them up and finds them in filthy clothes and malnourished from eating nothing but carrots, the one crop grown on the cult property. I have nothing against that kind of cult-y behavior.
I’m talking about where people dive into a joiner-type subculture and parrot each other to death.
When I was steeped in the salsa dance world, it drove me nuts that people who didn’t know a word of Spanish would yell “WEPA!” (pronounced “way-pa”) on the dance floor. Urban Dictionary defines wepa as “a word of jubilation that is uttered by mainly Hispanics, especially within the Puerto Rican community.” And the people yelling it were doing so in the exact same Pointdexter-robot-dork “hello I am joyfully fitting in” spirit as that definition.
When I was briefly in an actual cult — not a dirty-clothes-and-sex-with-the-leader kind of cult, but an “if you stop coming every Monday it means you’ve lost your passion for life”-type situation, which I only joined because I thought it’d help me figure out my career — instead of saying “I’m happy,” or “I’m feeling great,” everyone would say “I feel well in myself.” And instead of saying “I hope I didn’t offend you,” they’d all say “I hope you didn’t offend yourself with what I said.” I decided to leave before I started saying those things, and before I had to give one more hug to someone who made a pervy “mmmm” noise during the hug.
These days, I have a foot in the online entrepreneur world, and I listen to a lot of the podcasts those people put out.
They all talk about the same stuff: using your fear as rocket fuel for success, getting out of your comfort zone, daring to be vulnerable, racking up failures because the only true failure is not trying, blah blah blah.
Why do I listen if they bug me so much? Because I like being bugged. I find it inspiring.
Being bugged is my rocket fuel.
The part that bugs (or fuels) me most is that they all insist on mentioning tea. Every single one of them makes sure to tell us that they don’t drink coffee, they drink tea. And they like to say, “I’m all jacked up on tea right now.” Or, “My husband/ wife/ homeschooled child / unschooled child just brought me my tea” or “We might get interrupted shortly by the tea kettle.” Because that highlights to us that they work from their cozy home.
They also like to tell us what kind of tea it is. “You’re listening to the Make Multiple Income Streams Fearlessly and Easily Online Podcast, and I’m ready to go with today’s guest — who earns millions each day from his laptop on a beach — and, my steaming mug of Laughing Empowered Coyote Zinger tea. It’s got quite a kick.”
WHO THE F CARES, AND WHY CAN’T ANY OF YOU DRINK COFFEE??
That’s all.
Now you.
You ever get deep into some culture where everyone does and says the same weird shit?
Ever shave your head and join a cult?
What bugs you today?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
*sips coffee*
Can I just say “amen!” hahaha! I’m all about the coffee and when you said “You’re listening to the Make Multiple Income Streams Fearlessly and Easily Online Podcast, and I’m ready to go with today’s guest — who earns millions each day from his laptop on a beach — and, my steaming mug of Laughing Empowered Coyote Zinger tea. It’s got quite a kick.” A particular on-line marketer popped in to my head..so it made me laugh. Thanks!
WTF should be replaced by WGAF – don’t know if that exists in ‘lets shorten everything world’ as I am not cooool enough to be up with that sh*t. In case I went OTT on the crytic factor just replace ‘what the *’ with ‘who give a *’.
Nothing like a good rant to clear your head to make space for more fabulousness.
I hang out with some mmmm huggers – some mean it and some are just doing a ‘When Harry met Sally’ and it makes me feel cheap…
I would really like to start a pod of unactionable content that makes you question your life choices, and get paid a lot for it.
The thought of unfollowing the masses on FB is pure magic in itself. Right after one more webinar… The only problem here is you’re spot on, and the comments are hilarious too, that now I want to read all of your other posts without actually getting any work done.
You are hilarious and I love you. I unfortunately am one of those people who drink tea, although I don’t have a podcast, so hopefully I can still read your blog. I used to drink coffee, I used to drink A LOT of coffee, but then I stopped sleeping so I thought maybe coffee is not such a good idea for me. If you live in NYC I think you kind of have to drink coffee don’t you?
ox
Cecilia
Let’s start a cult of coffee-drinkers. We’ll rack up points by how much our coffee blend tastes like DIRT and how much it cost for one stinkin’ cup!
Over our coffee, let’s talk about our real rocket fuel (yours is being bugged, mine is ignoring the clock and just going with it) and be real people with real businesses.
That’s all.
Wait a minute.. You mean Talking Shrimp is not a cult? Oh. But I like it soooo much.. Damn.
Oh my gosh, I have a friend who’s mentioned the “offend yourself” thing before. I bet we have at least friends of friends in common…
Laura Love,
I have missed your posts and have some catching up to do. I love your knew blog design, it actually enhances the readability of your posts.
As usual your posts are golden gems of brilliance and wit. Your readers here are a wonderful bunch, I love them too. I can’t stop smirking and laughing about each reaction and remark.
You so make me laugh Laura. Clearly I have missed out as I had no idea there is a cult that says “I hope I didn’t offend you with what I said.” Sounds like psycho gable marketing.
I so appreciate that you keep it real and offer perspective about the strange world of online marketing. You are one of my heroes Laura, because you just do your work, and look at how many follow and adore you!
I am going to have my Earl Grey tea now…I tried Lady Grey, but it just did not cut it, needs me some Bergamont. I recall a chemist telling me that tea has tannin, equivalent to twice as much caffeine as coffee. Of course the argument may be that herbal teas are caffeine free…I don’t know jumping on the bandwagon and copying rarely leads to try change or connection, seems to me. So I drink Earl Grey because I love the taste.
Loving your “new” site design.
I was JUST talking to someone this weekend about the weird tea/podcast intro!
Ever heard any in which the interviewer reacts to the interviewee’s response with a pervy “mmmmm”? Usually the same people who hug with a “mmmmmm”.
I hear that pervy “mmmm” in interviews all the time, and it’s all the more pervy because it’s in response to something utterly derivative. An “a-ha” that everyone already knows, for chrissakes. Like, “I learned that my limitations were all self-imposed.” “Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”
The only tea I will drink is Teavana® Oprah Chai Tea Latte from Starbucks® while sitting by the ocean at her cozy Maui estate and exploring life’s journey.
Seriously, I hate how creative entrepreneurs (usually on podcasts) encourage you to steal work from other people. Like “all great artists are just re-creating other people’s art.” And they’ll be all humble, like, “oh, my award-winning work was really an homage to [insert legendary artist].”
Aw, and then Dad comes along and yells at you and Oprah for tossing out a tea bag after just one use, because That’s How They Get You®.
Now I’m wondering which podcasts you’re listening to, so I can steal your playlist. I mean, pay homage. Remember when you used to pay homage to my choice of ice cream flavor?
I wish someone would say this to me, ““I hope you didn’t offend yourself with what I said.” Because then I’d finally find out what it feels like to punch someone in the face…not a chance I’d be able to control myself.
I’m going to take you some time to that group, because there will be so many face punches. I can’t wait. And by the way, don’t hurt your feelings with it, either. That happens there, too.
I had most trouble controlling myself when they’d say “it’s a phenomena.” No, it’s a phenomenon. There’s no such thing as “a phenomena.” Face punching needs to happen.
ps
I’d write more, but I’ve gotta go find my gate. No one seems to know where it is. (“No one” being the airline)
Lucky you. You don’t have to hear me rant.
It’s me again. I found my gate. I know you were worried.
Since I have time on my hands I thought I’d be the website glitch police. Just letting you know that since the new, fabulous website upgrades arrived, I haven’t gotten any notifications when you respond back to posts. I have to desperately go to the blog, like a little lost puppy, looking for attention. I’m ok with that. But I thought you’d want to know.
I’m trying to fix it! I just reinstalled the comment plugin that was doing that before, we’ll see if it works. Maybe next post – I might’ve been too late for this one. If you get an email, post again and let me know it worked! If not, I keep trying.
Damnit Laura!!! I have a lot to say about this (shocking, I know!), and I still only have my iPhone and fat fingers to type with!!!
Thank you for helping me kill time in the Chicago airport on my way home from too much wine, too much espresso, too much bread, too much cheese and too much gluttony.
I can’t wait to tell all my gluten free, dairy free, grain free, alcohol free, coffee free people I know what a great fucking time I had!
Can we hug now? I promise to not make any sketchy pedophile groans when we embrace. But it will be an embrace, because girl, I think I love you.
We can hug. I’d only be flattered by a pedophile groan, because that means I’m youthful enough to inspire one.
Welcome back stateside!
I’m reading this while drinking a cup of black mutherf*^king coffee and busting my ass working. At my desk. In my house.
As you know, I am SO SICK of the trend of using little peaceful happy happy joy joy phrases and snippets of “namastes” and picture memes to GUARANTEE your business will FLY if only you’d embrace xxxxxx.
BOILS MY BLOOD.
Thank you for saying it better than I ever could.
It won’t just FLY, it’l SKYROCKET and EXPLODE and JIZZ ALL OVER A FREAKING TUBE SOCK. Love you.
I seriously feel like punching myself in the face every time I hear/read the words “soul-sparked” and “blissed out”. As someone in the health + wellness field, these words are said abused and overused, and frankly, sometimes I wonder if I’m in the right field because I don’t want to be typecast!
Ew, soul-sparked. How about caca-catalysed. Or ick-nited™? I’m keeping that one.
Health and wellness field has the highest incidence of word abuse, except maybe life coaching, or “lifestyle design.” You stay and use your own words, and you’ll be just fine. Fight them!
Best post ever! Thanks for the laugh, now I’m off to make a POT of coffee.
Yeah! Hope you had it with half and half, not some almond or soy BS.
Sounds like you’re well-steeped in entrepreneurial podcasts, because you’ve described them to a tee.
😉 Couldn’t help it.
I feel the same way! The thing that bugs me most lately is the tidal wave of mediocrity. I wish people would spend more time developing their ideas before molding them into courses and ebooks.
har har!
Oh my god, it’s like a fucking tsunami of same out there. Everyone needs to keep their eyes on their own paper, because the copying of lame copies is going to leave us all submerged in virtual sewage.
I never joined a cult because i was raised in one. It’s called the Catholic church – a widespread and old-ass cult, but just as ridiculous as any other. Catch-phrases, food-and-beverage rituals, perv-y leaders, the whole deal. I thank it only for giving me a healthy disdain of all cultishness.
Also the world’s richest cult! And that includes Celebrity Center for Scientology.
Laura, as usual…brilliant post! Refreshingly honest.
Thank you again for the fabulous revision of my radio commercial!
If you have copy that you are not sure about…hire Laura. She went “above and beyond” (is that cult talk?)
You are now my go-to-hire for all things wordy…
Michelle, I’m so happy to be your go-to. Thank you for the endorsement. I wish I could put arrows on here pointing at it! Maybe there’s a plugin…
OMG, can’t stop laughing!! You are most definitely magic:) I’m a photographer and get a little tired of every photographer posting “every photo is perfectly perfect” and “all children are angels”, so I recently posted on Instagram a sweet family photo fail that included a random dog pooping in the background…and a kid with her creepy owl that had red eyes. I think those are more real that the “perfect” shots because guess what there is no such thing as perfect;) Life is short, have fun!!
ps. I LOVE, everything you write!! I have missed a week and feel sad, so to cheer myself up I am going to get a big fat mug the size of my head will it will coffee and read your last week of posts! Have a brilliant day filled with whatever random podcast shite that inspires you;)
I’m actually going to “fill” the mug “with” coffee…there is no “will it will” going on, I don’t have a lisp and I’m not Daffy Duck;)
I like your style, and I’m jealous that, as a photographer, you probably have the photoshop skills to put a pooping dog in the background of ANY picture. I might learn photoshop just so I can achieve that. Because yes, that is the way to make it perfectly perfect. I’d never heard that kind of talk – every cult sure has its own brand of annoying.
I think all dog turds are angels, and vice versa.
Thank you for your gloriously flattering p.s.!
Wait, what happened to the neti-pots?
Is that one of their things, too? I haven’t heard them talking about neti-pots. Maybe that’s like, a 2013 thing.
This is an awesome post. It showed up in my Twitter feed and I will be following your blog. Oh, and I love coffee.
Thanks, Amanda. So glad it found its way into your Twitter feed. Not an easy place to win over new folks these days. But you’re drinking coffee, so you’re super alert to the good stuff.
I hate copycat Facebook speak. This! Love! And headlines like, “This is what happened and here’s how you’re going to feel about it and it’s the best thing ever.” PS, I am a jittery black tea addict who despises herbal. Worst.cultmember.ever.
Oh man, I’m so over those overly-narrative titles. Or the overly-personalized ones. “I can’t stop laughing at what this adorable porcupine just did”
Excellent post! I may want to join the cult that says “I hope you didn’t offend yourself with what I said.” Can you please send me their contact info?
Margi, they are waiting for you with open arms. Their location: The Current Moment of Your Life.
Fiiiiine… I’ll sign up for daily emails instead of these insufficient weekly ones. You are hilarious and probably magic.
Score! Yes, total magic. The magic is definitely best administered daily.
Kale. Kale. Look, I know some folks just discovered kale, but I am from the deep south, and I tell ya, kale is gas waiting to happen. The kale lobby is more powerful than the pumpkin spice lobby in America. I mean, I will gladly made you some real greens…but or the love of all things holy stop with the geedee kale. Slaves would not even eat kale…why??? because it sucks. *throws kale, Dr. Pepper, and leftover candy corn in the juicer*
I would love to get a black van and rescue people from the Copy Cat farm. Oddly, the thing I am making money on is something that is not even advertised on my website, nor is it something I learned in a $30k mastermind. I am a ghost tweeter….for a handful of Hollywood guys. No marketing. No big ass list. I have stopped trying to market anything on my website and will convert it to a full-fledged humor blog. I have you to thank. Nama-effing-stae.
Love your new site : )
hahahahaha!!!
the idea of what kale, candy corn and dr pepper would taste like together just almost killed me.
I’m so happy that you’re ghost-tweeting. I’m sure you can’t reveal who for, but unrelated (cough): who’s a great follow right now on Twitter? With a surprisingly brilliant sense of humor perhaps similar to yours?
How much you want to bet next Halloween brings us Candy-Kale?
THANK GOD. This is the best blog post on the entire effing internet.
Also: Tea is disgusting.
I kind of like tea once in a great while, but in no way is it a lifestyle. YOU are the best thing on the internet.
But if I want to be successful and take my biz and life to the next level what should I do? ?? Oh wait, I know! I should get busy and do my work!
Michele, that’s the most absurd thing I ever heard. How will you learn how other people succeed if you’re busy succeeding?
I love you !! I am a fitness person and I LOVE coffee, drink and talk about coffee… I appreciate your creativity and boldness. You have inspired me to step out of the box today!! Home schooled/ unschooled – I laughed out loud. You crack me the hell up and it’s awesome! Keep em coming !
Oh yeah … Namaste – let’s all drink and eat the same shit… BRILLIANT!
Thanks, Chris! I know there’s a difference between homeschooled and unschooled, but I couldn’t tell you what that is – possibly a different tea leaf.
As someone who recently gave up coffee and now exclusively drinks tea (or occasionally hot cocoa or hot apple cider) when craving a warm beverage, I have deeply offended myself with what you said.
Bruce, while you offended yourself with it, and got caught up in an upset, you missed the moment. But that’s just perfect because you couldn’t have done it any other way.
What really gets me is when one of the Samey Sams (love that one, btw, hadn’t heard it before, instantly incorporating it) freaks out about someone copying them, when they are SO clearly a pod person themselves. It’s, like, anti-meta… if that’s a thing.
I start to get pissed off, I suppose it is a rocket fuel for me too, as long as I can step back and remind myself that those points where I get pissed off are the same points where I can step up and do it differently myself.
Nailed it. With the whole “someone copied my juice cleanse.”
I make up my own cleanses and they are oddly silimar to stuff I read online bc…wait for it…they’re simply fruit and veg juices.
I also love when ppl comment on a green juice photo with “recipe please”
It’s like…throw some green stuff in your blender and call it a day.
I went in another direction here but I’m guessing you’ll be able to follow my thought process.
YES that’s the other thing- there’s nothing new under the sun. Some people are going to come up with similar ideas. We all have the same fruits and vegetables to choose from.
Though I have to admit I appreciate juice recipes, as in at least a little guidance in terms of proportion. Like, 6 carrots, 1 apple, and a centimeter of ginger is very different than 1 carrot, 6 apples, and a handful of ginger. I suppose you learn fast by trial and error though…!!
In fact, they’re copying just by copying someone who’s mad about being copied. How’s that for meta? It folds in on itself and eats its own bellybutton.
From anti-meta to ulta-meta.
*brainesplodes*
OMG: “I hope you didn’t offend yourself with what I said.”
I can only imagine the people attached to these hilarious statements.
I personally hate the culty coaching statement, “Holding the space.” I’m sorry, but how exactly do you hold space? Isn’t it in it’s essence, ‘unholdable’? (I know what they are trying to say, I just find it silly.)
Oh, and I quite coffee strictly for vanity. It makes my boobs expand to twice their size literally 10 days before that “time” and I feel like a cow. Tea it is. 🙂
Oh, good one! “Holding the space.” Totally. And it’s almost always for something intangible. “I’m holding the space for gratitude.” No. Hold the space for parking a car, or hold the space for a new puffy coat. That needs space.
I REALLY like how you zero in on the cult thing.
Most human beings do live in groups or packs or flocks or gaggles. Your post has got me to wondering:
Where is the line that distinguishes cult behavior from normal everyday human herd behavior?
A certain movie, bracelet, shade of hair color, or yoga pose will become trendy and then *everyone* wants to wear/do/look like that. How much is the cult thing? How much is just our animal instinct herding behavior?
Whatever…..
BTW, like your new Jumbo Style. 🙂
Very good question! Are we one big cult? That’s the only way to explain why we all agree to toss out perfectly good shoes because the toe shape isn’t cool anymore.
Man this is funny! And so true. I don’t drink coffee, but I have no problem cracking open an icy cold coke for breakfast.
What about when people overuse the whole ‘listening to the universe’ thing. I get it–coincidence, serendipity, chance–it’s a part of life, but not everything is up to the universe, na’ mean?
I love you!! This cracked me up …I’m a fitness person and I drink coffee and LOVE coffee and talk about coffee… I appreciate your boldness and creativity. You crack me the hell up and brighten my day:)!! Home schooled, unschooled- I laughed out loud!! You are the best and inspired me today to step out of the box!
What’s so interesting about the “universe” thing is that it’s no different than saying “God” except that it’s totally different. Same concept, but one brands you as religious and the other brands you as spiritual. I don’t refer to either, because not my bag. But yeah, Universe has become awfully trendy.
I am a recovering FB cult member. I tried. I really did. All I got was a dwindling bank account, the constant feeling that I would never measure up and a bitch of a headache trying to drink the tea.
Not so fast. They’re coming to love-bomb you and get you back, Susan.
Funny you said that. I felt the great pull last night. When I saw it was “them” I whipped out my phone and flashed your talking shrimp logo.. They hissed and dissaperared….nice….
Laura. Seriously. This is the most hilariously spot-on blog post. The tea thing! And I am stealing your wording for the “Pointdexter-robot-dork “hello I am joyfully fitting in” spirit” because I know EXACTLY what you are talking about, but have never been able to articulate it quite so wonderfully. It’s sort of like the forced-fun corporate picnic attitude–I once worked in an office where spontaneous shouts of “woo hoo!” at company meetings were a thing. Which just made me want to crawl under the table and shrivel into the human embodiment of a cringe.
Great post!
Thank you, Cameron!
Oh god, woo-hoos at picnics! The worst! Ultimate full-body cringe.
You forgot about juicing. And meditating. And looking inward. I refuse to do any of these things ever.
NEVER LOOK INWARD! I’d meditate if you didn’t have to do it sitting up, with no back support. I hate working my core.
” who earns millions each day from his laptop on a beach”
Really? Because if that was actually happening, he’d quickly be able to afford to put down his laptop and actually enjoy the beach.
Careful, Cuz! You’ve caught on and now they’ll come to disappear you. Once they make enough money (from teaching people how to make money) to hire a disappearer.
But if we all say the same thing we make it be true and the best and a rule for everyone to say, right? Power in numbers yo! (Oy-vey)
Also… is your tea organic? MUST be organic or you’re NOT part of the cult. Sorry!
What I like most is not that you agree with me, but that you know how to spell “oy.” Do you know how many spell it “oye”?
You are the real unicorn amongst wanna-be unicorns that believe drinking tea will give them a horn.
Your non-business related blog is totally changing my business, so I can live with myself.
I love you for validating my unicorn blog. Thank you!
Omg, I love you.
I did the opposite. I quit coffee bc it made me all crazy-like and then I drank tea and decided F-this, I’m drinking coffee. So we bought an auto-espresso machine with a milk foamer and it completely rocks my world. I’m obsessed and want to drink 2 a day, but I can’t b/c it literally makes me physically ill.
So, one espresso to rocket-fuel my morning it is!
I love your tweetable “Being bugged is my rocket fuel” bc I’m with you and I roll my eyes all over the foo-place when I scroll up and down FB and then I laugh to myself bc I know my posts are the rocket fuel of bug-age for others scrolling up and down their news feeds. That, is the meaning of true joy.
Cheers to pissing people off by being our positive, snarky, sarcastic, see-right-through-the-BS, coffee-drinking selves.
Oh, the only thing I love more than being bugged is foamed milk from our Nespresso thing. It’s the best! I have to pinch myself. Is this a fancy restaurant? NO, IT’S MY HOME!
Right? I never need to leave my house or wear anything but sweatpants…and drink my foamy caffeinated milk.
Heaven!
First of all, I love you for saying this.
Second of all, I have no idea how anyone runs their own business without coffee. I couldn’t live without it! (I do the herbal tea thing to quiet down my jittery, I’ll-just-check-Facebook-one-more-no-make-that-100-more-times-before-bed self but otherwise, coffee, always.
I have nothing against herbal tea, but these people who have to ANNOUNCE the herbal tea need to go away.
I’ve never heard the tea thing, but I don’t really follow online marketers anymore, they mostly drive me nuts (and it’s not inspiring for me).
You’re missing out! Or just smarter than I am.
You know how I feel about the samey sames and I love the you’ve encapsulated it so well right here.
LOVE AND F-ING LIGHT.
ALSO: blessings.
I’m cranky today! xo
BLESSINGS, cranky pants! Love you cranky.
I totally agree. ‘Blessings’ is the worst. They’re bestowing blessings on me? Really? Makes me wanna punch someone. (Sorry, that one really sticks in my craw! LOL)
DYING.
Whats the big deal about drinking coffee? I still drink SODA! out of a can. Pshaw! The ghastliness of it!
There is NO other way to drink soda. It has to be out of a can. What are they even thinking, making it in a plastic bottle? Ruins the taste completely.