It’s my birthday! [Update: It was. When I wrote this. If you’re reading this on October 30th, it is again!]
I was supposed to arrive on October 25th. My mom took a chance and went to a Bar Mitzvah on the due date. There’s a picture of her in the parking lot of a synagogue, dressed up for temple and hugely pregnant.
She stayed that way (the pregnant part) for another 5 days.
I’ve been late to the game in most ways ever since. It’s my nature, I put things off.
Here are some ways I’m a late bloomer.
- Preschool application, saved by my mom, says that I was slow to train myself “at toileting.” (“But making good progress.”)
- First period at 15. Even before the age of hormones in milk, that was way late. Would’ve been happy to wait longer.
- Tried sushi at 17, pretty late for a new yorker. I was persuaded when I saw the calorie counts on the menu at Sakura on 83rd Street. I could have a 300 calorie dinner!
- Got driver’s license at 20. Never quite mastered it. I get the license renewed (always too late to do it by mail) because I’ll never pass the road test again. That was a fluke.
- Got into “clubbing” after college, at 21. Everyone else went in high school and even middle school. By the time I finally made it to Danceteria — in my 90s crushed velvet body-suit top and shoe boots — it was in a new space.
- Smoked pot for first time at 25. I only said yes because a legendary movie director rolled the joint, and I thought, “if not now, when?” Tried it again at age 45 after I heard Matthew Weiner wrote every Mad Men script high, and you could choose what feeling you wanted with these new strains. Still didn’t feel it.
- Moved out of my parent’s house at 26. Before that, I liked telling people, “I live with roommates. A nice older couple on the Upper West Side who don’t charge me rent.”
- First cavity at 26. Second in my mid-40s. Holding steady at two.
- First and last drag on a cigarette: age 28.
- Inappropriate rebellion boyfriend from age 29-31
- Started learning to dance at 29. (Directly related to inappropriate rebellion boyfriend)
- Discovered half-and-half in coffee at 33.
- Got skinny jeans in 2008. (They’d been in for two years.)
- First glass of red wine (that wasn’t Manischewitz) at 35. Had always rejected red wine as tasting like liquid poo, but I had a lightbulb moment in a steakhouse where I realized red wine tasted like a toothpick, a flavor I kinda like.
- Got married at 37. In his toast, my dad used what he said was an army term: J.I.T., for Just In Time.
- Had kids at never
- Started blogging in 2009 – it seemed too late at the time
- Started my first business at 40. Mostly by accident. It was just going to be a blog. But then I got sacked from a big TV contract and had to make a go of it.
- Put something in my shop to sell 7 years into my business
- Started using Uber a year after everyone else
- Tried yoga in 2017 at age 47
- Just now (2017) giving in to emojis. They’re here to stay.
- Wake up most days after 9am, when most of the world is already on a conference call
- The only deadline I make is the date described as “at the very latest”
(Trying to do better. Slow to train myself, but making good progress.) - UPDATE: Had my first million-dollar-year at 50. First book deal, too. (Look for Tough Titties, Hachette Books, summer 2022!)
If you’re a late bloomer too, here’s to you. I’ll meet you at Danceteria.
You are still reading these late comments, right? I love this post! I’m a total late bloomer too!! I had a food service business for a handful of years. Now, at age 46, I’m looking to start over with something completely different. Back to school with the kiddos! I like to think that my alternate timeline keeps me young. 🙂
Happy birthday, Laura!! Belatedly. Hope it was fantastic.
Happy Birthday Late-Blooming Laura!
Last time the Spousal Overunit was on time was her due date oh those many years ago.
My son was two weeks early and hasn’t stopped moving since then (except when he occupies the couch with the game controller in his hands….).
Your Mom just didn’t want to miss the party (and can you imagine the story she’d be able to tell of your birth in the middle of the service! Oy! Or her Rabbi had one heck of a sermon to give that day!
Enjoy!
Happy birthday, Laura!
Happy belated Birthday, Laura! That seems appropriate! Another fabulous blog.
Do you really smell like a monkey?! 🙂
Wishing you a wonderful new year.
Hsppy Birthday from a fellow late bloomer! Red wine still tastes like poo to me. ????
Happy birthday, Laura! Hi to Steven, too, and hope all is well with both of you and the whole family. Toasting you…and your wonderful writing and teaching…
Happy Birthday Laura! 🙂
Happy Birthday, Scorpio Sister! Love you, Bunny
We share the same birth day. A happy one to you. Here’s to the very late bloomers – 52 and trying to kick start an online career. Love your work.
Happy birthday Laura!!
You light up my life with your witty one-liners and emails.
I’m glad I know you and have you in my {virtual} life.
Do I sound like I have a giant #fangirl crush on you? Well, maybe that’s because I kinda do 😉
Hope you have a wonderful day and year ahead!
Happy birthday Laura!
Thanks for the reminder that there is no real “too late”… it’s all just some bs perception. Much love x
I just discovered the awesomeness of skinny jeans, well jeggings to be precise, in 2016. Jeans that feel like leggings, but make you feel more dressed up? Hell yeah. How did it take me that long?
But then again I was 2 weeks overdue… my mom had a haircut appt on my due date. When the hair stylist asked when she was due and my mom replied, “today” she then received the fastest haircut of her life, ha ha!
You are late at something else also. You certainly don’t look like you’re 47 (or is it 48 today?). I would have guessed that you were much, much younger!
I love the way that you can be funny and serious at the same time.
I’m thinking of starting something new online and I turned 68 on Oct 22nd. Late bloomers like you are an inspiration to me.
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday!!!!!
Ha! Late bloomer meet way too late blooming, so glad you are in the age range, thanks for your open book snap shots. Have been having a quick sand week of ‘what have I been doing and it’s too late for me now! self loathing’ avoidance thoughts as yep, another chronically late bloomer…feeing digitally inept and old school resistant, but modern and hip in my own mind. But wait this is about you and your birthday, the happiest to you! Thanks for your pluck and counter perspective to the hiya gorgeous movement… much appreciated. Keep doing you,( as if there is an alternative). Found you on Instagram and been tracking you across platforms. Used to be known as stalking. No fear, I come in peace. May Cake and great shoes find you today, Norma
Happy birthday, Laura!! Damn, I hope I look half as good and be a badass like you when I’m 47!!! I think I’m a late bloomer, too – I can relate to a lot of the things you’re saying 😀 I hope you have a wonderful day and thank you for making me laugh and learn every day. xo
Happy Birthday Laura ! I hope all your dreams come true and you only fly first class!!!
Another brilliant blog ! You’re so original and hilarious. Love you loads and super grateful for you.
Xo
Did you also read about Leo when you were little?
https://www.amazon.com/Leo-Late-Bloomer-Robert-Kraus/dp/006443348X
That’s quite a list! Have a fantastic birthday where everything is first-class.
Happy birthday! Mine was last week on October 26, but I was late, too! I was supposed to be born on October 19, but I was… lazy. (Also, I’m also in the Kickass Humans Club group with you — the one who professed awkward, stalkerish love for your work, haha.)
Happy Birthday! You’re so not alone. It took me a few years to warm up to skinny jeans and nice boyfriends too 😉
Happy Birthday Laura! And I got the present since you posted this blog! I always love hearing from you – and yes, I too have been a late bloomer all my life. So I’m hoping to follow in your business success shoes!
Happy Birthday Laura, Early or late, you’re always great at showing up as fully you. Thanks for the great read and for being a bright light in this world.
This one’s for you Laura:
http://bestanimations.com/Holidays/Birthday/emojibirthday/emoji-birthday-card-large-animated-gif.gif
I’m leaving you lots and lots of birthday comments cause I love you and I know that a comment is a gift that keeps on giving.
I was born a month early but I share so much of your lateness (still haven’t been to a club!)…so maybe this is something I can’t blame on my mom 🙂
Of course you were born early! All that energy. But that’s true, I know some of your late milestones. 😉 You caught up good. Love you!
Kings and Queens and Bishops too
Wanna wish the best to you!
So wish day, wash day, whattaya say?
BIRTHDAY!
Happy Birthday to you!
I smell like a monkey!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELGRAY! I love this list cause it’s brilliant and funny (duh, you wrote it!) but also cause I knew you during so much of it! I even had the pleasure of hosting said rebellious boyfriend at my WEDDING! haha! I hope your day and year is as FREAKING AMAZING as your writing is!
Happy Bday. And thank you. Maybe I’ll get to that yoga one day, too. And to the blog and first product. Cheers to the late bloomers.