Fact: Old ladies love free food samples. Actually, it doesn’t have to be food. They’ll take anything that’s free, including those stinky soap samples they hand out outside Sabon. You can always use more soap! But they like food the best.
Is it a fixed income thing? A scarcity mentality left over from the Great Depression? No, I think it’s a natural part of aging. Maybe something that you can ward off with lots of broccoli and salmon. But for these people, too late.
If it’s in small pieces and out on a plate, they’ll eat it: hardening cheese cubes, mini turkey rollups, stale muffin bits, hummus with tortilla chips, or just the broken tortilla chips if that’s all that’s left. And fruit! They love the fruit. You should see the way they flock to a cut-up Bartlett pear at Citarella. They hover, waiting for that guy in the white jacket to finish slicing. His knife is barely out of the way when all the veiny hands plunge in at once, grabbing at the slimy slices till there’s nothing left but the core and the piece with the stem and a sliver too thin and slippery to pick up. It’s like a cock fight. Sometimes the winner will take an extra slice for her husband: “Hey Rubin, you want some pear? There are samples!”
I’m not like them.
They’re shameless, those ladies with their piggy paws in the pear tin. That’s the difference between them and me: I do have shame. I’m a self-loathing sampler. I’ll admit it. I love, love, love samples. Just as much as the seniors do. I am a sample whore. In yiddish, a schnorrer. Nothing to do with age, I’ve been this way since I was 3, begging for bologna slices at the butcher.
But at least I have the dignity to hate myself for it.
I don’t want to be associated in any way with the others, so I’ll stand back and watch, thinking “can’t these old crows just buy a f*cking pear?” And then I’ll think, “hey, bitches, leave me some.” And finally: “Seconds? Really? Oink oink. Seriously, some of us haven’t had any.” I don’t just think these things. I say them, with my face. It’s all in the eyebrows.
I’m perfectly right to judge. These people don’t even pretend to think about buying. They just take. Me, when i grab that sample, I make a show of looking at the pears like I’m weighing the pros and cons of taking some home. “Hmmm. Hmmm. Nah.” This is how it’s done, people.
And if I’m in Tasti-D-Lite (which I never am any more thanks to Sabon), I don’t just suck that little corrugated white taster cup till it’s flat and empty, then say “thanks” and leave. There’s a protocol:
- make a “meh” face, like the vanilla’s not quite what I expected
- scan the freezer as though I might want to buy a different, pre-packed flavor or a Tasti Pinwheel
- say, “Hmm, what time do you close? Eleven? Cool, I’ll come back after dinner.”
Look, I know that the girl in the blue apron (and, usually, hajib – not relevant) knows it’s a charade. And she knows I know she knows it’s a charade. And I know she doesn’t care if I buy some or not. In fact, she’d prefer not. Less work. She just wants me to leave so she can call back her boo, who she had to hang up on when I walked in looking for my free ounce of dessert.
But this is all part of a social contract. You can’t go around taking free samples like you’re entitled to them. You have to take them like you know you shouldn’t be. Do a song and dance. Show a little shame.
Don’t you agree?
If you don’t, you’re probably an old lady. And you’re not reading this, either because you don’t know how to do internet or you’re too busy licking the above jpeg of a frozen dairy swirl. Enjoy!
lol i love your blog at least you have shame haha.
the following applies mostly to old ladies
ways to not piss off a costco sampler (cause’ I am one):
1. let me finish preparing my food before you take it!
2. dont put your empty dixie cups back on my tray when there is a trash can right next to you.
3. people feel the need to hate the sampler if they dont like the food, like i served them poison. well shit if you dont like it write a letter to the damn manufacturer!
4. if i get stuck with a crappy demo like paper towels don’t laugh when I ask you if you would like a piece. (well i guess this one’s optional cause I would laugh at myself lol)
5. I dont give a crap if you take two or three samples but eating a whole tray in front of others is pushing it just a little…
6. if i turn my back to throw something away, that doesn’t turn my table into a self serve buffet where you take my knife and spread butter on a piece of bread I haven’t served yet.
7. I’m not customer service, if you don’t wan’t to keep a costco product, and espeacially one that I’m not selling, put it back where you found it! don’t place it on my tray !
8. don’t tell me your life story………….please!!!!!!!!!!! i only get paid minimum wage 🙁
9. don’t watch me cook my food so closely i drop what im cooking all over myself cause youre breathing down my back
10. if i had a ten this would be a perfect list..and that pisses me off!! haha
thanks for reading.
Being a bachelor sampling is my right. I’ve been told that I have raised it to an art form.
Sampling secret: At Costco near the end of their shift the sample hander outers get to go home if they run out. I once ate a 1/4 pack of cheesy party wieners just to help one go home early. I’ve also been known to help the 3 cheese ravioli person leave early.
I’ve seen this phenomenon at the Westside Market at 110th & B’way. They always put out several dips- including the world’s worst guacamole accompanied those rice crackers that have the mouthfeel of styrofoam. But nobody cares- they slurp it up like they were just paroled after years in a Turkish prison. They also put out loads of cheese samples there, too- which makes the place reek like unwashed feet.
This is where kids come in really handy… especially slightly older kids who are picky eaters…b/c I can take 3 samples at once, knowing full well they won’t be eating theirs! I love how free samples have no calories – right?
I plan to use the new nephew for exactly that purpose. Think it works with newborns? “Can I have an extra piece of roast beef for this infant here?”
Of course, the no calories is what makes samples so appealing.
Whew! I guess I’m not in the old lady category, because I definitely have a lot of shame and hesitation before grabbing a sample. I always have to look sideways to make sure no one is watching. Goat cheese on cracker? Oh no, I couldn’t. Then I circle around and . . . “well, maybe just one.” Zabar’s on Saturday? Mmm mmm mmm. But I pretend I’m doing them a big favor.
I didn’t know Zabar’s had samples out on Saturdays. I always thought you had to ask for stuff – like, “can I try a slice of the Nova?”
This is just great. Here it is Publix (supermarket) and Sam’s Club. Good God the line just to get the free samples leaves one a little agitated and then the decision do I really want some more or should I purchase it? The best is Free samples of the cold cuts. Hello did you forget the sample slice?
A *line* for free samples? Sounds more civilized than anything I’ve ever seen. You sure that wasn’t a dream?
Oh it is as civilized as a bunch of monkeys going after a stack of bananas
This post f-ing rocks! You are hilarious. I’m coming back here for my daily dose of humor and since no one is watching I’ll take with out shame…just like an old lady.
Your comment f-ing rocks! Thank you, Katie B. So happy to have you reading. Feel free to lick the food jpegs.
Do you have any idea WHY I go to Gourmet Garage so often? Cuz of the free freaking cheese – that’s why!
I want my Chedda yo. And my Gouda and Pecorino too.
I also get not-so-secretly pissed if the deli dude forgets to let me “sample” what I’m buying.
Wha? How could anyone FORGET to give you a sample? That wouldn’t happen to me – I’d remind them by saying “gimme some.”
I didn’t know about Gourmet Garage’s free cheese. Need to add that to my sample route.