In the past couple of years I’ve been into some self-help-y, self-discovery-ish stuff called “Transformation.” If you know me, you wouldn’t think it was very me. I’m not a rainbows-and-butterflies-and-group-hugs type.
But I’m attracted to the practical side of it: all about living in the moment, how what you resist pers– never mind, I’m getting bored describing it. It’s great, useful material, but ick. It doesn’t sound right coming out of my mouth. Or my keyboard.
Well, I’ll just mention one of the key tenets: that your life could only have happened the way it happened, because it did. So if you totaled your brand new ibook by spilling coffee on it, or spent your life’s savings on Powerball tickets, or chose the slowest line at Food Emporium, then it couldn’t have happened any other way. Actually, it could have, but now it can’t have. You can’t go back and change it.
I know, duh. But that means there are no mistakes, which is very helpful.
When I start thinking “if only I hadn’t bought that expensive, non-refundable sweater,” I remind myself, “you couldn’t can’t have NOT bought that sweater. And it isn’t a mistake, it’s part of what got you to this point in your life. Plus, it’s quality cashmere, and the hood is awesome.”
See how that works? If there are no mistakes, there are no regrets.
But if I were going to have regrets about my life, here’s what they would be:
- Making a girl hump a tree in summer camp.
- Plucking the grey hairs everyone said not to pluck – now I see why. Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!
- Half the clothes in my closet, especially the ill-fitting jacket from J Crew that I kept the tags on to return and then waited till it was too late.
- Having no interest in the lucrative field of finance.
- Eating stale blueberry muffin bits from the sample plate at Valentino’s Deli. Not worth it, and probably covered in crackhead germs.
- Jumping on my sister’s stomach when she was 14 months old.
- Throwing out all those shoe boots from 1992. They’re back. And would look so good with my stirrup pants.
- Attending a school that didn’t teach geography.
- Betting my husband 100 dollars that Egypt is not in Africa.
- Never wearing corrective insoles as a kid so I could have arches. (My parents’ fault.)
- Renting storage space for three years, just for some books and a Stickley end table that I thought I’d sell at auction but ended up putting out on the street.
- Watching all of “True Blood” season 2 in a single day instead of pacing it out.
- Accumulating all those American Airlines miles instead of Continental. American sucks, and Continental still serves food.
- Not buying a big, prewar 2-bedroom when they were cheap as rock salt.
- Naf Naf.
- Carrying on for two and a half years with a married, mustachioed, grossly overweight, pina-colada-guzzling, sociopathic, Viet Nam vet salsa instructor, mostly because I didn’t want to give up the free dance lessons.
- Lending a bunch of money to said salsa instructor to make instructional dance videos. (“They’ll pay for themselves in one weekend.”)
- Paying to see “Chasing Amy”.
- A shorts-and-tights outfit I once wore out to a club. I looked like Liza Minelli.
- Turning down a free trip to Cuba because I had weekend plans with a guy I liked. He was so boring.
- Wearing a green felt hat and sandals with socks all through 6th grade.
- Sunbathing in shallow water with baby oil on my face at Club Med when I was 15. On the plane home, my skin was bubbling like a pan of bacon.
- Standing by and doing nothing when NBC canceled “Hello Larry.”
- That I am not neat.
Luckily, I have no regrets. These things happened just the way they were supposed to. And I’m sure that girl who humped the tree agrees.
Corrective insoles won’t give you arches. Except while you’re wearing them. Take your feet out of the insoles, and voila! No more arches, just flaccid feet. You can still have arches. Rolfing can help, I do this for people alllllll the time 🙂
There are other things you can do at home, too. Scrunch a towel with your feet on a hardwood floor. Pick up a pencil with your toes. That will develop feet muscles. Who knew?
For real?? I can still get arches at 41? I’m so looking into this.
Should SO be in bed asleep right now…but I’m still up reading your posts!!! Very fun. Sabrina x
Excellent. If I stay up late writing the post, it's only fair that you stay up reading it. Quid pro quo.
Thanks for reading past your bed time! I'm honored.
I love reading your blog Laura! It was good to meet you in New York at Marie’s RHH seminar. Thanks for all the inspiration and for the laughs especially (Bummer you missed out on a free trip for a boring guy……)
Lisa in California (I’m the the one who put my dog in a parade!)
Haha. You know I'll never forget the dog in the parade. A very good identifier. It was great to meet you too, and I love seeing your comment here.
The phrase we often hear is: “People rarely regret the things they have done but, rather, the things the things they have not done.”
So I’m interested in knowing if you do or do not regret not doing certain things.
Hey Bruce, I do regret not starting a blog sooner. I mean, I would, if I regretted things.
The list of opportunities I've said "no gracias" to so I could stay home and watch The Hills is too long to contemplate.
Hilarious! You have true talent and it is flippin crazy!
Love it and love you!
Ris, you’re so right. The fashion remorse does merit a whole post. Speaking of which, you must check out the album my sister put up on FB – look under “photos of Laura”. You will find a fashion regret we can share!
Surely fashion regrets deserve their very own dedicated post? Or spin-off blog? These were hilarious. As for romantic regrets, I know how much you loved those salsa lessons, so on balance…well, maybe still regrettable. But funny!
Blog is great!
So effin GOOD it hurts. More posts more posts!! You are my comedic hero 😉 love you tons xoxo M
Hilarious. OK now tell us about the fantastic choices of your life.
Corrective insoles won’t give you arches. Except while you’re wearing them. Take your feet out of the insoles, and voila! No more arches, just flaccid feet. You can still have arches. Rolfing can help, I do this for people alllllll the time 🙂
There are other things you can do at home, too. Scrunch a towel with your feet on a hardwood floor. Pick up a pencil with your toes. That will develop feet muscles. Who knew?
For real?? I can still get arches at 41? I’m so looking into this.
Laura,
I’m SO glad I met you. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I appreciate your brand of humor and how rare it is to find. Congratulations on the launch of this site. I’m crazy excited about this blog – I can’t wait for your next post.
~ Gina xo
Haha. Love all these comments.
Nancy B, no way – you also made a girl hump a tree?
Miranda: it was your sister who pointed out I was dressed like a cabaret-style gay icon. She was right.
As for Naf Naf, my favorite shirt was a button-down with a pink and light grey pattern that looked sort of like jellybeans, but more the shape of Mike and Ikes. I wore it all the time until Salime poked her finger in my chest and said, “In Monte Carlo, Naf Naf is for assholes.”
Which should have been an argument for wearing it even more, but go figure.
Channelling Edith Piaf, good move! I can’t stop laughing over Naf Naf-I missed out and was jealous of my dorm mate with the light yellow ‘outfit’-I was too busy adjusting my shoulder pads to go shopping. xo
OK, the first one was the most shocking.
I’m all into the “things happen for a reason” mentality…even when I want to be really pissed, I get all glassy-eyed and shrug “I’m not in complete control.” Maybe it’s a getting ready to turn 40 thing?
HA! Would it surprise you to know that I share 6 of your hypothetical regrets? Not telling which ones — but don’t worry, I’ve never taken salsa lessons!
Wonder if they have Transformation in Baltimore…
After reading this —
Was so excited had to stop myself from standing up in my cubicle to shout “AMEN!” like I used to do in church.
Signed,
Recovering Pentecostal Linda
Laura, you put a huge grin on my face…that’s super funny. It’s such a great idea to do such a list and then laugh about all those things. Love it!!!
Keep it up talking shrimp 🙂
I hope the Yoga teacher was hot at least 😉
xox
Dani
Oh, this was too much fun!
I found you through Marie Forleo, and I am already a total fan. I also had the “that’s a job?” reaction to the explanation of how you started doing the promos. It makes sense that someone would have to write the material; I had just never thought about it being an actual job. How awesome!
Anyway, thanks for sharing the non-regrets. I can’t wait for more blog posts!
-Cheryl
Hahahaha, I love it. So funny! Cheers to no regrets.
What was most amazing to me is the memory you have for these timeless and hillarious moments in your life. Or the abitilty to take what may have been a seemingly serious or whimsical decsion, fashion choice, or character trait and finding the humor in it and yourself.
I love that! I have a 16 year old sister who can’t laugh at herself and I think that will be the quality about her that will make life the most difficult.
thanks for putting it in perspective!
When I see you in December, will you tell me more about Transformation? On another note, until reading this blog post, I didn’t think there was a fashion trend (or rather disaster) I’d forgotten. That is until these two words. NAF NAF.
Naf Naf! My god. The other day I was thinking about Agatha and those early 90s charm-style earrings. Perhaps you recall?
Fun read!
xo
I love it!!!!
You hit everything right on!
I don’t really have anything substantial to add, but I just had to comment to tell you what a great post I thought this was.
Thanks, Tori.
Of course they’re benign – because I don’t regret them!
I started off with a weekly workshop thing which had some great core information but too many butterflies and rainbows and group hugs. Now, I work with my amazing friend Marie Forleo (marieforleo.com), who takes those same principles and applies them to business. Her focus is women entrepreneurs. All practical and tactical, no icky woo-woo factor.
I’d say it’s majorly thanks to her that I got this website up. Check her out.
xoLaura
VERY funny and ENVIABLY benign regrets!
Curious: what transformation courses have you been taking? As you know, I’ve done a bunch and would like to hear what ones you think are worthwhile.
Keep the humor coming!
xoxox,
V!