First things first: the baby above is NOT related to me. I don’t want anyone thinking it’s my new nephew, Samson, who’s way cuter. Apologies to parents of Superbaby.
Now that that’s out of the way…
The NY Times has an article in this week’s Science section claiming that humans are born helpful. The proof? At 18 months, babies will try to help out if they see a stranger struggling to open a door.The article asserts that:
- this is before the baby has learned that helping is the right thing to do, and
- the baby is helping without any promise of reward.
Sorry, disagree. A baby learns from the get-go that being helpful earns praise, or thanks, or a big smile. And maybe even a cookie.
THAT’s what we’re born with: the need for praise, smiles, and cookies.
If that baby were invisible and knew he wouldn’t get any credit, would he still help the stranger? Would he help anyone? No. He’d be like, “screw that.”
Maybe the invisible baby would consider helping if he knew how to write, so he could leave a note saying, “You’re welcome. Love, the Invisible Baby.”
I know I wouldn’t help if there were no thanks or cookies in it for me. Which makes me a not-very-helpful person. Helpful gestures, now those come naturally to me. If someone looks like they could use assistance, I’m the first (okay, one of the first) to offer. But when I ask, “how can I help?” I’m SO hoping you’ll say, “I’m all good. You just sit.”
If we had naturally helpful instincts, I’d be compelled to get all up in that sinkful of Palmolive. But I’m perfectly fine watching from a chair while someone does all the dishes, so long as they know I “tried” to lend a hand.
What motivates me to help is usually one of two things:
- appreciation (It doesn’t have to be a gift basket. Or even a thank-you. As long as I know you know I helped and now think of me as helpful.)
- risk of looking like an unhelpful a-hole.
Really. I was in the dressing room at J Crew yesterday, and had a sloppy pile of inside-out shirts and jeans that I’d tried on. Instead of just right-side-outing them and hanging them up, I ran through this sequence of thoughts:
“I would really, really like to just leave this pile here and go. But the salesperson who helped me will know I left it that way and think I’m an inconsiderate shit. Then again, I probably wouldn’t hang them up right, and she’d have to redo it all anyway. So it’s easier for her if I leave it all like this. Then again, she’ll still think I’m a turd. If I were a sales person and someone left me this pile, I’d think they were disgusting. I’d say, ‘what’s wrong with people?” Then again, they are paid to do this…Oh, hell, I’ll hang them up.”
Those are not the thoughts of a born helper. Neither is the thought I have when my husband starts cleaning around me on Saturday mornings. The thought is: “Oh crap, he’s cleaning again.” If I were naturally helpful, I would jump up and grab the duster. Instead, I get grumpy when all he asks me to do is lift my feet so he can pass the vacuum through.
It’s not that I don’t have an impulse to help. It’s that my impulse to keep reading Arts and Leisure is so much stronger.
Now, maybe if he offered me a cookie…
What do you think? Are we born helpful, or are we just born more hungry for approval than lazy? Do you help out when no one is watching?
It would be just my luck I’d have a baby who would want to help some stranger with the door, and the next thing I know, my 42″ flat screen TV is missing off the wall. I wouldn’t call that helpful.
I’m not so sure about your premise: that ppl only help b/c of praise or a reward.
1) If that were true, I would give up my seat everytime on the subway but I don’t. Instead sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. And those times I don’t, I feel guilty and don’t look up into the eyes of an 85 year old pregnant woman standing right in front of me.
If your theory was true, I would do this each and every time.
2) If you observe the times that you’re immediately helpful without thinking about it, say someone slips and falls right in front of you, I’m sure you don’t think “I hope this person gives me a reward after I help out”. Your immediate reaction WITHOUT THINKING is to assist.
That’s the point of this article. It’s to examine very narrowly this type of behavior and where it comes from.
The fact that we don’t always assist (like me on the subway or you with the dishes) doesn’t mean that we don’t have the impulse to assist (clearly I do because I feel guilty). I suspect you do too because why would you even be stating these examples?
The discussion about whether & why we honor those instincts and *choose* to assist is entirely a different matter.
Uh oh. I don’t think I should touch this one!
Laura – I’d have to agree that generally, we (OK, I) help to be rewarded or thought well of – though I believe in grave, dire, serious (am I making my point here?) situations we help out of a genuine desire to help. I do think you’ll find that the further you go from NY, the more real the urge to be helpful in less-than-dire circumstances. When Whit and I first moved to St. Louis, we went to a Linens and and Things, and were approached by at least 10 people in 10 minutes — “Can I help you?” “Do you folks need help?” That was MAJOR culture shock!
Closer to NY, say, for instance, down here in Baltimore? Delightful, helpful Baltimore? I believe they call it Charm City… Well, I went to Barnes and Noble last week – was going into the store, and this man held the door open for me. “Thanks,” I said – kind of under my breath. I was looking at a book display near the door when I heard the guy yell “You could say thank you, BITCH!!” Charming, huh? After picking myself up off the floor, I actually yelled back “I DID!!” Made me feel like I was back home in NY for a minute there… Apparently, THAT guy opened the door not to be helpful, but purely for recognition…
Hmm. I wonder if it’s a case of, the farther you get from NY, the more people want you to like them. Either that, or they’re just brought up better – in a culture where helpfulness trumps laziness. More proof that it’s not innate, but learned.
Or is it unlearned?
All I know of Baltimore, I learned from The Wire. And on that show, “helpful” is not shooting you in the face. So that guy who called you bitch really was a helpful person.
Ah, thanks for putting that in perspective – I feel better now!