This weekend, the NY Times ran an opinion piece by Elizabeth Wurtzel called Getting Married Is Easy: Why I Will Be Wed.
If you don’t know, Elizabeth Wurtzel was the literary It Girl in the 90s, when she wrote a hot-topic book called Prozac Nation. I didn’t read it because she annoyed me just by appearing all over the press and at every party — even ones I went to. (“Oh, you didn’t see? Elizabeth Wurtzel was just here. She was right over there, in leather pants. She’s so hot.”) And because, though I’m obsessed with drugs, prescription ones don’t interest me. If you write a book called Crack Nation, count me in. Something you got from your doctor? Feh.
But I did read her column in the Times, and it seals the deal: I was right to dislike her based on nothing.
I would never be friends with this person.
Why? Well, look at the title. “Getting Married Is Easy.”
It’s all about how she used to be crazy and un-marry-able, and pick crazy, un-marry-able boyfriends, and that now that she decided to stop doing those two things, boom! She can get married. To a man who’s “smart and handsome and talented and decent.”
…It is easy to get married: about 90 percent of Americans still do at some time in their lives. No self-help industry is required. People who want to get married stop behaving like fools for love and start acting intelligently. It is as simple as wanting to be happy.
What bugs me about that?
It’s written entirely from the POV of a hot person. Someone who’s always been hot. Someone who could pose like this for the cover of her book and not be told, DON’T EVER MAKE THAT FACE AGAIN.
Her piece assumes that life is a never-ending Beefsteak Charlie’s salad bar of hotties, with mixed lettuces and cherry tomatoes over here, and there are the croutons, and ooh, bottomless shrimp bowl over there, and why not take an extra plate for the baked potato skins with different toppings so they don’t get mixed up with your salad dressing?
It’s all there for the taking. Abbondanza! Mangia!
All you have to do is choose the healthy option. Forgo the potato skins for some leafy greens. She’s like, “Look at me! I finally skipped the cracked out losers and filled my plate with emotionally grounded hottie.”
In other words? Just make the right choice at the men buffet, ladies.
Again, I can’t be friends with that person.
This is someone who, during middle school and high school, never once wondered, “Why don’t boys like me?”
Who never had a boy come over and say, “Can you introduce me to your friend?”
Who never, on a family trip to Club Med, hung out with two girls who were way cuter than she was plus a guy who wanted to get it on with both of them, and ended up sitting at the feet of those three people, slightly off the beach blanket, drinking a beer, looking awkwardly up at the stars, and listening to sloppy saliva sounds while they took turns making out.
(She also probably never spent part of that vacation trying to cover up a splotchy armpit sunburn with Johnson & Johnson’s baby powder, but that’s another story.)
This is someone who never spent an evening waiting for her date to show up, dialing her answering machine over and over from a restaurant pay phone, praying something DID happen to him…only to get the stunningly unapologetic explanation, “Oh yeah, I was at the movies! Freddy Krueger! It was off the hook!”
This is also one of those women who, one day, will tell her grandchildren, “Oh goodness, I’ve had so many suitors and so many marriage proposals, darling. And still continue to, goodness knows! Because I wear the right bra.” You think that person only exists in bad movies, but this is her, and she wrote this:
It is my good fortune never to have wed the 374 or so men I dated before Jim. I don’t know how many times I should have registered at Tiffany and celebrated extravagantly for the mistakes I did not make. I would have many remarkable sets of silver, serving spoons included. I would own gravy boats galore.
Look, I have no complaints in the marriage department.
I got to marry the man I love, someone who’s smart and handsome and talented and decent, and also funny and stylish and neat and great-smelling, even after a workout because he sweats mint (I’m not kidding).
But damn if I didn’t have to put in some good time and patience to get to the part where he wanted to marry me. I knew when I met him that I wanted to marry him, but I didn’t get to say, “That man will be my husband. And it will happen swiftly.”
And guess what? I have friends who aren’t married, and really want to be. Some try to find someone, some don’t – but it’s not like they’re all sorting through 374 possibilities and just trying to find the one who’s not only gorgeous, but also sane.
Not everybody is so sizzling that being married or not being married is simply a matter of which stud muffin you pick.
And I can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t get that.
Unless I meet her at a party and she’s so bizarrely nice to me and actively wants to be my friend. Then, I’ll change my mind about her, and take this blog post down.
Now you.
What’s your take on this?
Or, have you ever been to Beefsteak Charlie’s?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
Ok. I met my husband on the interwebs. When we finally met in person after months of chit chatty e-mails, I looked at him and knew he was it. I was going to club him upside the head and drag him back to the TangeCave. Get this, we had the same sheets and QUILT on our beds. We had the same dishes. The same tooth brushes. The same toothpaste. The list goes on. It was crazy. That being said…it was not easy. It’s not “easy”. Because I am so freaking hot…and he’s eaten up with jealously because all THE men want me… ALL OF THEM. ALL. (I am so chunkalicious. *hair flip*) Oh, how long until the “I Knew We’d Get Divorced” follow up??? Asking for a friend. Love this post. Love that you are providing value by providing thought-provoking commentary… with a snark ganache. PS I know not of this Beefsteak Charlies, but we did have a Ponderosa…
So much to say. Chunkalicious. Matching quilts. TangeCave. You are everything.
Thank you for recognizing the “value” here.
I wonder if Beefsteak Charlies is a tri-state area thing. It was my childhood food dream come true: prime rib with whatever sauce you wanted (mushroom, always mushroom for me), salad bar of course, and video games at the bar. Unlimited shrimp bowl + Ms Pacman? Beat that, Ponderosa.
“Unless I meet her at a party and she’s so bizarrely nice to me and actively wants to be my friend. Then, I’ll change my mind about her, and take this blog post down.”
I met her once. Trust me, that ain’t gonna happen. She’s exactly what you think.
Great post!
…It is easy to get married: about 90 percent of Americans still do at some time in their lives. No self-help industry is required. People who want to get married stop behaving like fools for love and start acting intelligently. It is as simple as wanting to be happy.
~ you know I love you Laura and you also that each person
reading this will have their own aha! moment. Mine was the paragraph above. Most serious relationships I’ve had turned in to marriage proposals and yes I said “yes” to most of them (I’ll leave you guessing as to how many that was! So I’m not in your boat and I’m certainly not in her boat ~ “People who want to get married stop behaving like fools for love and start acting intelligently. It is as simple as wanting to be happy” ~ really? Really? No they do not! Many intelligent, hot. Successful people make incredibly stupid choices when it comes to marriage ~ thus the well over 50 percent divorce rate.
I give it 18 months.
Well said! “People behaving like fools for love” is probably the impetus for most marriages. Good point, Jill. And yes, you do have me guessing how many proposals that was. 🙂
Ok one more thing.
The actual title of the article is “Why I Will Be Wed”.
What…..vomit sounds……ever.
It’s as ridiculous as the new Pontiac commercial with Matthew Mcconaughey saying “I was driving a Pontiac long before they paid me to.”
Wait for it……vomit sounds. Who cares.
Now I’m done.
Where to start.
1) Elizabeth Wurtzel. Whatever. (Said while gesturing a big “W” with my hands.
2) It’s writing attitude for the sake of attitude. She is E.W. and so she is compelled to write this to show how “very” she is. (Thank you Heathers)
3) Again. Whatever.
4) I don’t appreciate you stealing MY beach story of misery! Were you watching with field glasses from the dunes and taking notes? I’ll give it you because you kick ass – but next time give me a heads up. Reading it today caused me to regress and it took an hour for my wife to coax me out of the closet where I disappeared clutching a blanket and my 45 of All By Myself.
5) Joking aside – if I had the ability to time travel – I would go back and kick some serious beach ass for you just out of principle.
6) As someone already pointed out – getting married is easy – heck there is a drive thru chapel in Las Vegas. It is staying married and being together. It takes effort. Sure if you chose well that effort is worth it and many days not effort at all. Her article expresses the reason why the divorce rate is as high as it is. It expresses why marriages turn ugly and brutal – because some flippant Gen Xer thinks she being all edge pushy and smart.
Does this mean that when she gets divorced in 5 years after working “real hard” at making it work we will be asked to suffer through her telling memoir of what it means to truly be married? I hope not but I fear the worst.
(I wanted to come up with a few book titles but the whole exercise was not worth ANY time commitment.)
For all the railing against convention, she is joining it. And again a large “whatever” pushes forth.
I awoke today not needing her take on getting married and will sleep tonight knowing that a few of us rallied behind the ones who have been crapped on by “wild” ones like her – who like themselves and themselves only. We cheered on those sitting on that beach – good, funny, nice people who didn’t think being an ass was required to be happy.
7) Ok done with the mini rant. Just gets under my skin darn it. Plus she’s not all that – by the way.
8) Beefsteak Charlies. You Laura Belgray are excellent. Sangria my friend. Steak and sangria.
Someday we will break bread at old BC’s and be thankful for who we are. Because reading that article is like being vomited on. She vomits who she is and her “persona”. She’s gotten this far because it’s “stylish, edgy, brave.” But its not.
We get all floofy eyed around folks like this – but frankly give me someone who shows up everyday and offers kindness to the world. I’m good with chaos – its part of the world – but when its manifested for the sake of attention? No thanks. Really. No thanks. There is too much real suffering going on. Make believe is a waste of time.
So we will sit at BC’s – have a steak – tell some stories of misery and joy and be thankful we’ve seen the other half. We understand the pain and discomfort of being “uncool” – whatever that actually means. Thankful because there might be someone out there who will need us to see that in them and say something. To show up for them when we need it -sitting on the beach.
9) Done with the soapbox.
10) Really.
Loved this post just for the vacation story. Damn….I’d almost forgotten just how hard growing up is!! How mean are people?!
I think getting married is unbelievably hard. It’s harder than most people who are getting married even realise because they’re all busy being caught up in the fantasy of the marriage. Better to be aware though — when I think of the tough stuff to survive along the journey!!!! (How many marriages end within 18months? So many.) Hottie or not, she’ll likely learn soon enough that her thinking is a little shallower than the subject warrants.
Watch out though Laura — I remember another of your posts about a hottie that you loved to try to hate, turned out to be fun and smart, and now she’s one of your great friends and collaborators! (MF) You never know! 🙂
I’m with Randle – totally picked up on that shrimp reference.
Ha! Just the title pissed me off, as I’m getting married in November and discovering daily the joys of all the stupid things I didn’t know I was supposed to be worrying about. Ack!! Agree, agree about all the other stuff!
Laughing so much! That vacation sounds terrible. I remember a similar trip where I kept wiping off the mascara my friends put on me in the bathroom, and then I stole my friend’s shirt to see if it would work on me and attract the guys. She noticed.
How does one sweat mint, exactly?
PS I caught the reference to shrimp.
Wow, just wow. I loved this. As someone who is getting married next May, all of those fears and craziness pop up in my mind quite frequently (am I crazy for getting married at 41?) but I’m taking the plunge anyway.
I think Ms Wurtzel is a little in the dark about the fundamental work that goes into any relationship. Getting a husband may be easy for her but the real work is in staying together. I’d be interested in hearing about her follow up article after being married a few years.
First off: What a jack-ass title. It actually IS pretty easy to GET married–that is, if you don’t really have a high bar set. It’s the STAYING married part that takes work. — Finding a good one can be difficult. That’s why I was smart enough to nab (not trap) mine in high school, so he could be molded and trained. (Have a problem with that? Fuck off! We’ve been together almost 29 years and have a better marriage than anyone I know.)
How long has she been married? That’s what I always ask myself when I hear someone claiming to be an expert in the field and gushing all over their perfect partner. Love is grand, during the honeymoon phase. Her next book just may be, “Who Knew? Getting Divorced is Easier than Getting Married.”
p.s. Not to piss off every “hot” reader you have, but unfortunately, many times, “hot” actually means hot MESS.
Women would be surprised to discover that most single guys like them. At least initially. The trouble is that most guys are afraid of approaching women. They don’t know if someone is single, they don’t know what to say, they don’t want to bother anyone, and so on.
Elizabeth Wurtzel likely hangs around in circles where there are more type A personalities. So guys aren’t afraid of initial approaches. Also, her life is more public than other women. They knew of her status as single. They know what she does so topics of conversation come easier.
Also, hotness is a complex thing. I’ve seen women in public who I thought were ridiculously hot. On the other hand, many famous women are thought of as hot, but in my mind are “average.” It’s almost like the fame elevates their hotness to a degree.
I’ve never been to Beefsteak Charlie’s. I’m more of a Ponderosa fan.
As a guy, I have similar stories to your Club Med vacations and getting stood up on dates. And high school…oh high school…It happens!
Cannot be friends with this person. Nope.
When, in my jobby job, I good marriages and bad ones and I hear about all sorts of adultery, compromise, sex, friendship, communication (or lack thereof), etc. I can honestly say that marriage (no matter how fantastic the couple) is still work.
It’s good work. It’s the pithy work that really helps us grow and learn and change. And when we are about to throw in the towel – we fall in love again and catch a break.
Anyone who says marriage isn’t work is sorely mistaken and they are setting themselves up to take some hits after the honeymoon phase is over.
I once gave this advice to a woman on marriage:
“This work, the work of relationship and marriage, and coming to terms with your own demons will be hard. It will create a scenario in which you will have to begin to look at your own “stuff”. It will be a mirror you may want to crack because you can’t stand the truth of it all.
It will expose and envelop.
You will doubt yourself, your partner, and everything you see. You will hate it to its core because this work will make you cry, sob, yell, and second guess.
From the flames of of destruction this work will begin to build you up. It will raise you to a higher vibration and allow understanding among the chaos. Clarity will commence and new seeds of passion will begin to take form.
Understanding at its highest level will be lifted out from the dregs of deception and will lie flat on the gurney waiting for examination.
This work is called marriage.”
So I would have to ask Ms. Wurtzel if anything ever like this was considered during her 374 relationships because if the answer is no – then she will see (sooner than not) just how much work marriage can be.
xoxo