Today, an ad in my Facebook feed asks, WHO WOULD YOU BE IF MONEY DIDN’T MATTER?
And then it says, FREE Video Series Will Help You Discover Your Personal Path to Financial Liberation!
The image below is a woman — the actual person who’s going to teach you this path — in a thin, 1970s style halter top cut down to the navel. She has a giant feather earring on one side and a bunch of feather business woven into her hair on the other side. Chunky, Native American necklace you’d buy in a Santa Fe gift shop. She’s tan, her long hair is blowing in the wind (machine) and she’s not wearing a bra.
So I guess that’s what Financial Liberation is supposed to look like.
Which partly makes sense, because if money didn’t matter, the first thing we’d all do is take off our bras and run out and buy a bunch of overpriced feather accessories. I say “overpriced” because whatever they cost, it was too much. It looks like she was attacked by birds. Like if you lifted her hair, you’d find a bunch of droppings, too.
No, really, if money didn’t matter, who would I be?
I want to answer the question, for real.
First of all, would I ever work again? Methinks no.
I’m not a person who’s always got ants in her pants to “be of service” or do something with “purpose.” I know those people: “My only problem is a lack of time. I have too many ideas and projects I want to do and people I want to help and schools I want to build and wells I want to dig and other peoples’ babies I want to breastfeed in this lifetime, and need ten lifetimes to do it all.”
Uh…right. Me too. Totes.
If money didn’t matter, I’d be perfectly fulfilled sitting on my sofa all day watching Bravo shows and posting on Facebook. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s a recurring theme because it’s truly my calling. Do you know how painful it is to be kept from your true calling in life? Do you? It pulls at you all day.
I have a gift I’m meant to give the world, and because money does matter, I must withhold it.
I’m so sorry, world.
Sometimes I think if money didn’t matter — meaning, it’s unlimited and I can spend it however I want (that’s what the FREE VIDEO will help me create, right?) — I would jet off to Turks and Caicos as soon as it gets cold in NYC and live there. January through March. Boom. And Steven would come too, because if money doesn’t matter, he doesn’t have to work, either.
He doesn’t like the beach much, but we’d bring plenty of books on all kinds of fancy topics for him.
But is all that jetting around really necessary?
The only reason I need to be in a warm place is because I don’t like to leave the house in winter. And the only reason I need to leave the house in winter, or leave the sofa, period, is because if I don’t, I won’t burn calories.
So can we add some more “what ifs” to this equation?
Who would you be if money and body fat didn’t matter?
Wait, there’s more. Since body fat doesn’t matter, I’d also love to eat ice cream with chocolate sauce all day. And the way I eat ice cream, it tends to splash, because I mix it up with milk and make it a soup.
I would alternate the ice cream with Cheesy Jalapeño Popcorners, which get fucking everywhere — just one chip requires three paper towels. I would like to enjoy all of this beasty feast without caring if it gets on the sofa.
So let’s make the question,
Who would you be if money and body fat and upholstery didn’t matter?
The answer is, someone you’d never hear from again. I’d be 1200 pounds, braless, covered in feathers and cheesy jalapeño dust, fused to the sofa in a way that requires an emergency medical team to scrape me up.
So if you care about me, stop me from watching these free videos.
Who would you be if money and everything else that matters, didn’t matter?
What keeps you from your true calling in life?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.