I went to the Giants game on Sunday.
I’ve never been to a football game before this one, except the rinky dink ones in college, and I don’t really understand football.
I kind of get what’s going on when they show it on the TV show Friday Night Lights, because the commentary is so explicit. It’s written for dopes. “Matt Saracen has the ball. He’s headed down the field, in the right direction, and outrunning the other team’s defense. And…touchdown! There’s six points for his team. This is what they’ve been waiting for, folks. Good, good news”
The Giants game didn’t have dummy-friendly narration, and there was no dramatic high school subplot, and no hot, wet-haired Tim Riggins, but I wasn’t bored.
I had my own sport: staring at people.
I spent the whole time watching the dude in front of us gorge himself, and wondering if he’d have to loosen his fanny pack.
There was plenty of heavy-duty chowing down in the stands. I did my share. But there was something special about the unrelenting, zombie-like way this guy ate his snacks. (I should have gotten a picture or video, but at least I snapped the fanny pack.)
He started with an economy-sized bag of Smartfood cheddar popcorn, and kept shoveling it in all through the National Anthem. To his credit, he looked straight ahead, and not into the bag, or down at the ground at the shower of kernels that didn’t make it into his mouth.
The way the popcorn bounced off his face and out of his mouth reminded me of cookie monster. Remember his spray of crumbs? It was always so unsatisfying to watch that Muppet eat, because he wasted so much cookie.
After the popcorn, Snackman moved on to Cheetos. Again, a multiple-serving bag. Chomp chomp chomp.
Then, peanuts.
Because he’d brought all his goodies from outside the stadium, he had them in deli plastic bags, which were littered all around his feet. Whenever someone tried to get by him, he’d look down at the bags but not move them, as though he was just mildly curious to see how it was going to go and whether someone would trip on his stuff.
I’m not sure why I was so fascinated by Snackman. Maybe it was that he just didn’t care. I think so much about what other people think, and Snackman didn’t seem to have a flicker of self-consciousness. None of the thoughts I would have had, like:
“I wonder if anyone’s noticing that I’m chowing popcorn during the Star Spangled Banner. Is anybody else eating, or just me?”
“Am I more or less of a pig than the people eating meatball sandwiches?”
“I should throw out all my litter or else people will think I’m gross.”
“Maybe I overdid it with the gold jewelry.”
“My sweatshirt is all lumpy inside my track pants. That doesn’t look good at all. Why wear it tucked in if it looks like a diaper?”
The only thing that seemed to rattle Snackman was the Giants losing. You know he booed with his mouth full.
Football is fun!
Oh: apparently, so is commenting. People got all up in my shit because I disabled the comments last time. Since I am a people pleaser, they’re back on. Don’t yell at me.
Shoveling food in your mouth IS patriotic (I may not be the first to say it, but Cookie Monster, you food wasting pinko-commie!)
Thank the Lord about putting our comments back on — I may have misunderstood; I thought you had turned off all our commenting ability in general (my wife thanks you)
and yes, maybe I wore too much gold jewelry.
Cookie Monster isn't even American enough to apply the 3-second rule, and salvage some pieces from the ground. Then again, neither was this guy.
Oh, tell your wife I'm sorry to end the ban. If she wants, I can make you disappear by flagging you as spam.
I love professional sporting events – and the people watching is the best part. At the last baseball game I went to, I spent the whole game trying to figure out why the chick in front of me (who was hot) was with the guy she was with – because he literally had no chin. Then I saw the ring on her finger and it all made sense…
I do love that Snackman had his sweatshirt tucked in. Lumpy-butt is one of the best looks.
You switched comments back on 'for us'.
Hyuh. Ok.
Yes, of course. I don't need feedback and attention and validation, I'm cured of that. But it hurt me to see you guys hurting.
Do you think he ever thought that you were watching him? I mean one tiny part of his brain was saying 'chew before you swallow' or he would have choked. Another part was saying 'breathe through your nose' or he would have choked.
Do you think he maybe knew that you (and probably others) were watching him? Perhaps a tiny part of his brain said 'don't look her in the eye and acknowlege her digust, or you'll spend all night binge eating to feel better.' Great post 🙂
Oh god, if that's how he eats when he's feeling good, how does he up it when he needs to feel better?
I think he did know I was watching him. He was like, “yeah baby, I know you want summa this.” Meaning, summa his cheddar popcorn.
Shoveling food in your mouth IS patriotic (I may not be the first to say it, but Cookie Monster, you food wasting pinko-commie!)
Thank the Lord about putting our comments back on — I may have misunderstood; I thought you had turned off all our commenting ability in general (my wife thanks you)
and yes, maybe I wore too much gold jewelry.
Cookie Monster isn’t even American enough to apply the 3-second rule, and salvage some pieces from the ground. Then again, neither was this guy.
Oh, tell your wife I’m sorry to end the ban. If she wants, I can make you disappear by flagging you as spam.
You switched comments back on ‘for us’.
Hyuh. Ok.
Yes, of course. I don’t need feedback and attention and validation, I’m cured of that. But it hurt me to see you guys hurting.
Eeek. It's amazing how for me innocent people watching can go to zeroing in on one person and just be fascinated? amazed? intrigued? Wondering about their relationships, childhood and if they really behave like that at home. I don't know the right words without it sounding stalkerish. Oh…hmmm…..
Real nice article, Laura.
It was easy to picture that guy's childhood, because of the diaper-ish pants lumps.
I love professional sporting events – and the people watching is the best part. At the last baseball game I went to, I spent the whole game trying to figure out why the chick in front of me (who was hot) was with the guy she was with – because he literally had no chin. Then I saw the ring on her finger and it all made sense…
I do love that Snackman had his sweatshirt tucked in. Lumpy-butt is one of the best looks.
Do you think he ever thought that you were watching him? I mean one tiny part of his brain was saying ‘chew before you swallow’ or he would have choked. Another part was saying ‘breathe through your nose’ or he would have choked.
Do you think he maybe knew that you (and probably others) were watching him? Perhaps a tiny part of his brain said ‘don’t look her in the eye and acknowlege her digust, or you’ll spend all night binge eating to feel better.’ Great post 🙂
Oh god, if that’s how he eats when he’s feeling good, how does he up it when he needs to feel better?
I think he did know I was watching him. He was like, “yeah baby, I know you want summa this.” Meaning, summa his cheddar popcorn.
Thank you for continuously forcing me to spew coffee all over my keyboard in the mornings. Nothing makes me giggle more than fanny packs than people-watching commentary.
And thank you for reporting the coffee spill, because nothing makes my day like knowing I caused a mug fumble. Hope you don’t have to replace the keyboard.
Hey Laura…Thanks for the laughs! You are not alone! Oh, and we should check out NASCAR together! The girls in front of us that started out as strangers ended up drunk and bonding over their boob jobs! No joke. (my bff’s hub got free tkts through work 😉
Did they bump boobies? I think I do need to check out NASCAR, though I’m afraid they kill Jews there.
Eeek. It’s amazing how for me innocent people watching can go to zeroing in on one person and just be fascinated? amazed? intrigued? Wondering about their relationships, childhood and if they really behave like that at home. I don’t know the right words without it sounding stalkerish. Oh…hmmm…..
Real nice article, Laura.
It was easy to picture that guy’s childhood, because of the diaper-ish pants lumps.
I was going to leave a leave a witty comment, but then you mentioned Tim Riggins.
Are you speechless in the presence of his mere name?
Actually, I was busy searching for a Riggins highlight reel on YouTube. Shameless.
God, I can relate to every single part of this story. I had my very own version of Snackman at Fenway Park once.
You had your very own? Did you take him home with you? That would be fun, so he could throw trash all over your house and boo loudly every evening when you announced the beer cutoff.
Hey Laura…Thanks for the laughs! You are not alone! Oh, and we should check out NASCAR together! The girls in front of us that started out as strangers ended up drunk and bonding over their boob jobs! No joke. (my bff's hub got free tkts through work 😉
Did they bump boobies? I think I do need to check out NASCAR, though I'm afraid they kill Jews there.
What’s amusing to me is how much expendable income, or sheer wealth, these slobs have. I think it is safe to assume that every single seat for a Giants home game is a season ticket and that these season ticket holders have paid for these tickets for decades and will do so for decades to come. On top of that, when the new stadium was about to open, all existing season ticket holders were required to pay a premium on top of the ticket prices (multiple thousands of dollars and as high as 20 thousand dollars for the good seats) for the privilege of continuing to be a season ticket holder.
That’s what I couldn’t believe! I’ve got to wonder how many of them are spending their babies’ diaper money on tickets, cheese steaks, and beer.
I was going to leave a leave a witty comment, but then you mentioned Tim Riggins.
Are you speechless in the presence of his mere name?
Actually, I was busy searching for a Riggins highlight reel on YouTube. Shameless.
God, I can relate to every single part of this story. I had my very own version of Snackman at Fenway Park once.
You had your very own? Did you take him home with you? That would be fun, so he could throw trash all over your house and boo loudly every evening when you announced the beer cutoff.
I used to wonder why I was SUCH an inveterate people-watcher and then I visited my family.
We are a MENACE. A kindly-hearted menace!
I’m a huge menace. One day I’m gonna get busted staring at the wrong person.
It’s one of the reasons I love living across the road from the creamatorium. So many facinating people to watch! (Usually the living ones. But one I will people-watch when the zombie horde arises.)
No way. YOU DO NOT. 24/7 human clambake!
I totally do! There are bagpipes and people with gifts and a whole gardening crew! It’s awesome.