Never go to the mall with these guys.

I turn 40 today.

When you reach 40, you get nostalgic for things just because you remember them. At least I do. I was like, “remember Menudo?” and then I was like, “Awww, Menudo!”
ABC used to show them in the Saturday morning commercial breaks during the show “Dear Alex and Annie.”

I went to youtube and found my all-time favorite Menudo video, which also made me nostalgic for shopping malls.  It’s called “Shopping Mall.”

Watching it now, I have to ask:
What kind of shopping mall is this?

There’s no mention of anything I would have bought, like an Orange Julius or ribbon barrettes or a Hunter’s Run top from The Limited – for when mom doesn’t want to pay for a real Ralph Lauren polo.

Instead, they hold up the kind of purchases that your aunt brings back from her winter elderhostel cruise: a tribal mask, an injun headdress, and some brightly dyed feather plumes. Next, it’s on to items you’d buy at a crackhead’s tag sale. Ugly shoes (zapatos!), some umbrellas, a  forearm’s spread of watches, lightbulbs, wigs, two crayons, balloons and a teapot.

Then, what’s with this “parrot that even speaks French”?

To prove the point, the parrot says, “bonjour.” Come on. Bonjour? Let’s at least hear Monsieur Parrot say something like “pardon me, where are our suitcases?” That bird probably enrolled in the same monthlong “immersion” program in Cannes that I did the summer after 11th grade. I, too, can only say bonjour.

Not only did Menudo get scammed at the international parrot store; they couldn’t find the one thing they “want to give you,” which is “kisses and your love.” That’s a stupid gift and doesn’t even make sense – why would you want your love – but they still could have found it if they’d gone to any mall with a Spencer’s. For stupid gifts, nothing beat Spencer’s.

Watch the video and I think you’ll agree, those Menudo boys are lousy shoppers.

Note: in case you’re confused by the one named Ricky, thinking “why does Ricky Martin look like Screech?” it’s not Ricky Martin.  It’s Ricky Melendez.  Hot Gay Ricky joined the group in 1984, when Screech Ricky left.