Do you think a lot about your mouth?
If not, lucky you!
Not thinking about your mouth is a luxury you need to start appreciating right now. Light a scented candle and write about it in your gratitude journal.
I think about my mouth all day. Everywhere I go, there it is — stealing the show, saying, “I won’t be ignored, Dan.”
This is my reality since I got Invisalgn last week.
If you’re not familiar, they’re clear braces, or “aligners.”
They’re like a plastic couch slipcover for your teeth.
The difference is, they’re hard plastic, not the kind you’d sit on. They snap on and click into place. (Taking them off is another, less satisfying story. It involves fingernails, tugging, and a lot of drool.)
Avo, my dentist — who’s also my friend, so I’ll call him my friendtist — made me get these things. He “made” me by telling me that if I didn’t, my top-front crooked tooth would keep getting more crooked until I became Nanny McPhee.
(A friendtist is more honest than a dentist.)
This blood-chilling diagnosis evolved into a shorthand where friendtist and my husband both refer to the tooth itself as “The McPhee,” “Laura’s McPhee” or just “McPhee.”
Vanity is my greatest motivator.
So after two years of putting it off, I plunked down a big chunk of money and bit the bullet.
Actually, I bit down on some gag-inducing putty glop in a tray. A bullet would be way more delicious.
I could go for a bullet right now.
I’m constantly hungry.
See, you can’t eat with them in. Every time you want to eat something, you have to pop out the aligners, like a grandma taking out her teeth, and put them somewhere. (I lay mine on a doubled piece of Scott 1-Ply Extra Strong toilet paper.)
And then, when you’re done eating, you have to floss, brush your teeth, and brush the aligners, because otherwise they’ll give you bad breath and get yellow.
But you can’t brush them with toothpaste. Toothpaste scratches them. You have to use antibacterial hand soap.
Which brings me to the first of 6 things I discovered since I got Invisalign.
1. There is no such thing as unscented antibacterial hand soap.
Are you listening, people at Dial? You don’t make it easy for a girl to find soap that doesn’t smell like a music festival port-a-potty. And guess what: “Spring Water,” “White Tea,” and “Gold” all smell the same. Also, since when is “Gold” a scent? Did your focus groups say they’d like to smell like metal?
2. Mindless snacking is not the worst thing.
“I bet you’ll lose so much weight,” my friend said when I told her I was getting these. “No mindless snacking.”
You know what replaces mindless snacking, though?
A worse thing: mindful gorging.
You’re supposed to keep these things in for 22 hours a day. That gives you two hours with a plastic-free mouth.
When I eat, I usually think about saving my calories for dinner. Now, I think more about saving my eating minutes. So I’m mindful to cram as much in my mouth hole as I can.
Gotta get in all the food as fast as possible, and then stay un-hungry for as long as possible.
Ever seen the Lifetime Movie “Kate’s Secret”?
It has a scene where Meredith Baxter Birney’s character, a mom with bulimia (that’s the secret), eats everything in sight while cleaning up after a party. Double fists of whipped cream, chicken, potato salad — all together in a dizzying, hand-sliming mouthful.
That’s me at lunchtime.
Standing — because sitting wastes minutes — in front of a sprawling, sad feast of items that don’t belong together. Cherry tomatoes, brie, watermelon chunks, pickles. Whatever’s around, all at once.
To complete the picture, imagine pigs-oinking sound effects and an insert of a bomb timer ticking down to zero.
3. It’s a good thing I work from home.
See above.
4. You can slow down time.
If you feel like your kids are growing up in a blink, and where’d another fucking day go, and how did summer pass you by without you taking advantage of that great fresh corn, and it’s all going too fast, I say to you: get Invisalign.
The moment Avo first helped me snap them in, the clock went into slow motion.
The day now revolves around the tight, slightly gaggy pressure in my mouth and the rituals of caring for these two plastic pieces.
I won’t dare liken it to having a baby, but I will compare to it to a high school home ec assignment where you have to “parent” a raw egg or a sack of flour for a week. It takes over, and breaks down your day into long, long minutes.
On the other hand…
5. You can get used to anything.
The end of the first day, I thought, How will I get through 160 more of these? (Avo promised 5 months to straight teeth.)
It’s been a week. Not a quick week, but I’m getting the hang of all the brushing and flossing and popping in and out of plastic.
Maybe by next week, I won’t even think about them. Time will be back to going too fast, and I’ll be complaining, “How is it 6pm already?”
NOTE: I’m not being dismissive of people with bigger things to get used to, like strapping on a prosthetic leg. But I’m pretty sure you get used to that, too.
6. Starting now is better than starting later.
How many times do I have to learn this?
When someone tells me, “Oh, I had Invisalign. So glad that’s over,” I think about how I’d be saying that now too if I’d started earlier.
I knew I was going to do it. I had the money for it. I just didn’t want to do it, or part with the money. So I waited. The waiting didn’t buy me anything except for more time to dread doing it. Just like everything else I put off in my life.
I’d like to say I’ll change from this lesson, but I won’t. S’OK.
7. Without my samples, I don’t know who I am anymore.
Scavenging for free samples of food is what gets me up in the morning and gives shape to my day.
Any time I leave the house, my eye is trained to spot every tray of cut-up muffin, every board of bread pieces with cheese on them, every batch of mini paper cups with toothpicks sticking out (the most promising sight on earth).
I still see those things. And I have to walk right by.
What am I going to do, pop my aligners out in a shadowy doorway for one bite of brioche? Freshly baked, with sugar and raisins? OK, maybe.
You don’t realize how much your daily habits define you until you have to give them up.
Saying no to free samples strips all the ambition out of my day. All the victory. All the tension of pretending I’m going to “come back later” and buy that delicious thing after tasting it.
Thimble cups of banana smoothie, sample slices of duck breast: these things were my raison d’etre. (Now I’m thinking of raisin brioche again.)
I have to reinvent myself. Find another compulsion, I mean hobby.
Maybe I’ll do drugs. Heroin won’t stain my Invisalign.
Meanwhile, this post got long. Which is good, because I’m that much closer to dinner. Almost time to pop ’em out!
Now you.
Have you experienced something that slowed down time?
Have you gotten used to something you couldn’t imagine being used to?
Do you know of a good unscented liquid anti-bacterial soap? I finally found one at CVS but it smells like alcohol and sick.
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
ps – yeth, I do have a thlight lithp.
Don’t do heroin. If you’re going with drugs, go with cocaine. At least you’ll forget all about your appetite and not being able to eat free samples 😉
Laura, Mom keeps asking why I’m laughing.
Me: “I’m reading Laura’s blog”
BTW, I wear dark glasses to protect me from others’ invisaline glare.
As for McPhee, don’t ask me how I thought of it, but after hitting a home run in my softball days, another kid said, “You can’t hit the side of a barn”, and I responded
“That’s what you think, McDougal” as I rounded the bases. I’d patterned it after Gil McDougal of the NY Yankees.
Then I started calling my Dad, your Grandpa, “McDougald” or “McDougaldoff,” or just plain “MAC”. I always shared this with my mother, e.g., asking her how big Mac is doing. That’s a little different from my accidentally saying “How’s it going, Big Dick?” to Sy Kramer’s son Richard. Sorry, I can’t write this in as funny a way that you do.
Gotta sip from that bottle of COPY CURE!
Love,
Dad
Been there, done that! A major pain in the ass but totally worth it. My bottom teeth were crooked, but it never bothered me until I started doing videos. Until then I didn’t think anyone could see them. Surprise and yikes.
Then my dentist did me no favors by telling me that “as you age” the muscles in your lower face get weaker and you see more of your bottom teeth when you talk. In other words, it would only get worse.
So yes, going out with friends for dinner and running to the bathroom was a joy. (They probably thought I was bulimic, when I was only brushing my teeth so I could put my aligners back in.)
You will love the results, though!
“As you age” have become my least-favorite 3 words.
Glad the results are worth all this!
Laura! Thanks you for this piece. I’m staring down a new, longer commute for a new job and all the anxiety that comes with a new job. Just like your Invisalign discomfort, I’ll get used to my new routine.
This too shall pass. And it also reminds me that we’re all more alike than we are different.
Sending wishes for yummy dinners!
Good luck with the new job! I do think a longer commute is one of those things you come to enjoy, except when there are glitches.
I refuse to commute, even to a coffee shop on the corner — as in, I refuse to leave the house — but I’m pretty sure I would be a way better reader if I had a commute.
You had me at rubbers and Nikes, but now that you’re talking drool and plastic with a lithp (can I steal that spelling) I love you even more. I’m an …ist that’s decided to put down the sharp instruments and trade in the drool for an online presence. I even designed an ergonomic pick that you might find entertaining. Love your stories. And don’t throw any kleenex or Scots 1ply in the garbage…happened three time to me. Cheers to your Dentition!
You can totally thteal my thpelling!
As a mouth professional, is it enraging and baffling to you that dental is barely covered by health insurance? It seems completely nuts that the biggest gateway/ hole of your body is considered a completely cosmetic domain. Love hearing from you.
hahahahahahahahaha
I just got Invisalign last Tuesday, so I totally feel your pain.
Everything was going semi-okay until Friday night arrived. Since you’re supposed to take them out anytime you drink anything but water (I guess so it doesn’t stain them), but you’re also supposed to wear them 22 hours per day, that made the all-night beer drinking I wanted to do an interesting dilemma.
I ended up sucking my beer through a straw, which takes FOREVER so I only managed 4 beers in the six-hour window before last call.
Nine more months……
Lithping copywriterth unite!
I’ve been drinking iced coffee with them. I can’t change everything. I drink it through a straw anyway.
Which makes me wonder — why don’t people drink beer through a straw? Why are straws only for cocktails and soda, not beer and wine?
Laura! That’s unfortunate….and kind of entertaining to read about. So, thanks for sharing!
Also, thanks for introducing me to “friendtist” because I have one of my own and I’ll likely start using it. 🙂
And thanks for this gem: “You don’t realize how much your daily habits define you until you have to give them up.”
Stay strong!
Thanks for cheering me on, Angel! And if this invisalign works, I will promote my Friendtist to Best Friendtist Forever.
OMG, Laura. I was dying laughing … I have to get braces next month which I’ve avoided for 15+ yrs (no exaggeration. 4 different dentists. teeth cracking, getting worse) I’m filled with dread and I can’t say this post makes me feel any better, lol. 3 yrs of braces, upper & lower, followed by Invisaline. So, here goes nothing …. Thanks for the laughs!
Oh my gosh, you must REALLY be feeling the “if only I’d started years ago” pain. But we all know how fast a year goes, right?
Time has sped back up almost to its normal speed since I wrote this. I no longer feel the plastic as acutely, though I feel it. So I’m confident that your 3 years will fly by like years do. Unless you’re a 6-year-old — in which case, wow, you’re very advanced.
Cherry tomatoes, brie, watermelon chunks, and pickles. I would make and eat that salad.
You’re welcome for the recipe!
I have been told that to really figure what’s up with my stomach problems I need to give up some foods for awhile and then slowly add that category back in to find the culprit. My new doctor suggests saying goodbye to beef, eggs, all dairy, all grains, most nuts, and some beans, and beets. You would think one month, that’s the minimum, would be easy peasy but I just can’t stick to it.
I hear you when you think if I had only done that whenever it would be over and I would have a happy stomach now! (I hope)
I actually had a “Doctor” tell me if I ate ONLY root vegetable stew for a year I would be so healthy! Actually I would have killed myself by the third day so forget that solution!
Good luck with the teeth sure it will be worth it!
ONLY root vegetables for a year! I’d be dead by day 2. But then again, I guess you could reframe it: what if you were offered a choice of prison for a year, or eating only root vegetables. In that case, a diet of turnips, carrots and beets would seem like a gift. Of course, that takes some serious “pretend” skills.
Does having a daughter who can make anything taste good make it easier? I guess not.
I’ve been told to give up dairy, which makes me say, “what about my iced coffee?” which leads to “hell naw.” Not even for 3 days.
I’m trying not to laugh at the horror of Invisalign. Trying… and failing. The picture you painted of the Lifetime movie just made me fail dismally into a shaking silent laughing fit at my desk.
I really feel you, though. I had braces in middle school, but my mouth was too small (my husband, I’m sure, will beg to differ). So, I had to wear a platelet on the roof of my mouth for 6 months before the application of braces, which cranked open with a little skate-key looking-thing, to widen my mouth.
In short, I had a lisp AND felt like I had been smacked in the jaw by a metal baseball bat by the time my braces had to come off. Yeah, I sure feel you.
Good luck curing your McPhee, and thanks for the laugh at your expense (sorry!).
Oh, the medieval-torture image of a skate key being used to expand your mouth will stay with me till the end of time.
Oh, the pain! But you’ll love your smile when it’s over. I have lots of experience with this. My teeth are stubborn. I had braces for five years as a teenager, and then still had to get invisalign in my 20s because the stubborn teeth went back to crooked, and would only keep getting works unless I did something about it. Then my invisalign was longer than the promised few months because said stubborn teeth just wouldn’t align. Now, three years after end of treatment, I still have to sleep with the trays in, otherwise in a few short days my teeth start migrating back to their crooked positions. I also thought maybe I’d lose weight when I got them, but no luck. Now I really want some brioche.
Why do teeth want so badly to stay the same, while the rest of the body wants to migrate and mutate in every way possible?
I had an Invisalign consultation. The dentist exclaimed, “What HAPPENED to you?!”
That hurt. I have a decent smile, but a front tooth has major McPhee potential because, when I was 18-ish, I leaned into my friends car window to hug her … as she started rolling UP the window. It collided with my tooth. Very, very unpleasant. I’m grimacing as I type this. I had to get the edge sanded. Put “sanded” in italics. Horror.
And now it’s a bit out of line in my mostly pretty great smile.
… also, the dentist said she’d have to attach a piece of fake tooth in my mouth if she straightened my natural teeth, because the process would result in a really cute triangular gap in the front.
^this + your post + my love of coffee = I’m seriously not sure I’ll ever aspire to invisalignment. Maybe I’ll just get enwhitenment. [wink-wink]
… but McPhee!
McPhee! Probably the most motivating word I’ve ever heard. Prevention has never been a big priority for me, till I heard “McPhee.”
I’m imagining your car-window horror scenario with every part of my body clenched.
hahhahahahahahahahahha, dying laughing.
How about going au naturale? In lieu of misisng out on samples, you can now taste where your hands have been. oopss..that just came out all wrong. LOL.
Invisalign is so worth it…when your teeth are so perfect, you can’t stop staring at them.
I know, I have major straight-teeth envy. I stare at everyone’s and drool. Well, the drool is from my invisalign. But you get my drift.
Laura, fuck the anti-bacterial soap! You don’t need it. Use regular.
Use baking soda if it smells ripe.
Sorry for your McPhee, Invisalign sucks balls, almost as much as braces.
Glad to see you in my inbox. 😉
Exactly! “Sucks balls” is the scent I’m trying to prevent.
Glad to be in your inbox. I love it in there.
…deep sigh…Crooked McPhee is one gnarly beast! Okay! So about that soap and suds bit. Have you considered using Seventh Generation? Not really sure how I feel about sticking plastic in my mouth it feels odd. Clearly! And I have experienced time slowing down. It happened when my mom would tell me to stand in the corner because I would antagonize the hell out of my siblings. Then I got used to that. Then I experienced the same thing in Detention. Gotten used to that as well. Moving on from punishment (even though I have a feeling that’s how you feel right now) my stalemates post-grad come from just waiting around. I generally enjoy entertaining myself in solitude but if I have a headgear of worry on then I feel like a clunky magnet for ill-will and torture. Something I learned to break the fuss is to make things fun. In detention, I would braid my orange scarf without looking at my fingers staring at the chaperoning teacher. Waiting at the doctor’s office, I sniff a bottle of Frankincense to take the edge off. I wonder how pets feel about their daily routine. Do they even care? Humans are so fascinating!
YOU are fascinating. I love the way you write. I can totally picture you braiding that orange scarf.
And wait, you carry around a bottle of Frankincense? That’s an interesting alternative to thumbing through out-of-date “Self” magazines.