Steven and I had a recent restaurant experience that really bugged me.
Actually, it wasn’t all that recent – it was last spring – but it still bugs me.
We were at one of those zillion restaurants that call themselves “farm-to-table.” This has become shorthand for “the food is so fresh, you can taste it!” In the spirit of that earnest concept, the waiter kept coming over to ask, “how are your flavors tonight?”
I don’t know whether the restaurant made him ask this, forbidding the servers to say anything as pedestrian as “how is everything over here,” or if our waiter had watched too many episodes of Top Chef. Whenever Tom Colicchio likes someone’s food he declares that “the flavors are there.”
This bit of pretension isn’t all that relevant, except that it was Strike One.
Strike Two is what made me decide that our waiter – whom I’ll call “Flavors” – sucked big hairy ones:
At the end of the meal, Steven asked for an amaro. (It’s an after-dinner drink that’s really delicious if you love the taste of cough syrup.) Flavors said, “we don’t have amaro.”
It was the kind of place that would definitely have amaro (they stock it wherever farm-to-table flavors are sold), so Steven asked Flavors to double-check with the bartender.
Flavors went away and came back with a drink list, which he presented to Steven. “As I said, we don’t have amaro. But here’s a list of our drinks if you’d like to choose something else.”
Steven had a clear view of the bar from where he was sitting. He said to Flavors, “You see that bottle on the second shelf from the top, with the white label? That’s amaro. Would you mind asking the bartender for a glass of that?”
Here’s what Flavors could have said:
“Ohhhh! Whoopsie, I didn’t see that there. To tell you the truth, I have no idea what amaro is. I’m so sorry, I’ll go get you some.” If he’d said that, I would have liked him a little bit. Even though he’d asked how our flavors were.
But he didn’t say that.
No “whoopsie,” no “my bad,” no “spank me, I’m a brainless dingleberry.” Any of those would have been acceptable.
Instead, he said: “Well, it’s not on the menu, but I’ll be happy to ask the bartender to pour you some.”
Like he’d known it was there all along, but it just wasn’t up for discussion.
I get it. It’s painful to admit you’re wrong.
Eating crow sucks. Even when it’s farm-raised crow and the flavors are there. But saying, “you were right” or “I’m a dumdum” – especially when you know it’s true – is such an effective way to make everyone a winner. It’s a great practice in business, friendship, and marriage. Here are the benefits:
- Once you establish that you’re the idiot, you no longer have to worry about looking like one. It’s done.
- The other person is less smug about being right, because you gave it to them. What’s the fun of saying “told you so” when someone’s already said, “you told me so”?
- The other person likes you more. Which, if you’re a waiter, means a bigger tip.
For a while I was going to a culty, self-helpy workshop thingy where the leaders liked to say, “You can live in the Right House, or in the Alive House.” This phrasing makes me barf, and I picture both those spaces as cardboard playhouses in someone’s yard, but the essence of it is true. Being right buys you nothing. And unless you’re in court being sued or accused of a crime, letting the other person be right costs you nothing.
Am I wrong? Tell me in the comments.
By the way: If I am wrong, I will admit it wearing a silly red scarf to divert attention from my wrongness.
Laura, I think you’ve just hit on the ultimate life hack: “Once you establish that you’re the idiot, you no longer have to worry about looking like one. It’s done.”
This is my new mantra. I didn’t have an old one… but I’m gonna take this to my Alive House and say it while I rock back and forth in the corner.
You are not wrong. My grandma used to say “You can be right, or you can be happy. Pick one.”
Servers that are professionals and know their job are fantastic. Servers that aren’t but are friendly and admit when they are wrong can still be fantastic. And waiters that are terrible at their jobs (because “I’ve been waiting table for 20 years but I’m really an actor”) and still super pretentious should be fired and forced to work at McDonalds where they would make the tips they deserve.
My wife has been waiting tables and bartending for 12 years, that is her profession and she is damn good at it. Trust me, people who have to work with the last group of servers hate them just as much as the costumers do.
OK, Mark, I love that people are debating whether that quote came from Dr. Phil or some younger motivational speaker, and here you heard it from your grandmother. Though I don’t know, maybe she was a Dr. Phil fan. He’s been around a while now.
I know a few servers who actually consider it their profession (as opposed to their day job) and they are definitely the best ones. I bet your wife makes BANK in tips.
you’re responses to the comments are funnier than the posts. i have to stop reading- it’s midnight and i’m waking my daughter.
i have a long way to go on apologizing but remembering whoopsie and “spank me, I’m a brainless dingleberry” will make it less intimidating next time.
You are not wrong. My grandma used to say “You can be right, or you can be happy. Pick one.”
Servers that are professionals and know their job are fantastic. Servers that aren’t but are friendly and admit when they are wrong can still be fantastic. And waiters that are terrible at their jobs (because “I’ve been waiting table for 20 years but I’m really an actor”) and still super pretentious should be fired and forced to work at McDonalds where they would make the tips they deserve.
My wife has been waiting tables and bartending for 12 years, that is her profession and she is damn good at it. Trust me, people who have to work with the last group of servers hate them just as much as the costumers do.
OK, Mark, I love that people are debating whether that quote came from Dr. Phil or some younger motivational speaker, and here you heard it from your grandmother. Though I don’t know, maybe she was a Dr. Phil fan. He’s been around a while now.
I know a few servers who actually consider it their profession (as opposed to their day job) and they are definitely the best ones. I bet your wife makes BANK in tips.
laura belgray
talking shrimp, inc.
new york, ny 10011
ALL-IN-ONE NUMBER: 917-267-9673
find me on twitter: http://www.twitter.com/lbelgray
website: http://www.talkingshrimp.com
wildly popular blog: http://www.talkingshrimp.com/blog
you’re responses to the comments are funnier than the posts. i have to stop reading- it’s midnight and i’m waking my daughter.
i have a long way to go on apologizing but remembering whoopsie and “spank me, I’m a brainless dingleberry” will make it less intimidating next time.
You are so rght that you’re very right.
Damn, that wasn’t catchy at all!
Did you know that we had a national controversy about an apology? True story! There was pressure on the old Prime Minister to apologise to the indigenous Aboriginal peoples for all the seriously messed-up stuff that the government had done to them over the last two hundred years. Y’know, small things like stealing their children, and their land, and classifying them as flora instead of people… wacky mistakes like that.
The Prime Minister With Evil Eyesbrows totally refused to do it. And his replacement did it as his very first act in parliament. It was AWESOME.
Did he really classify them as flora? If so, then someone should apologize to him for not acknowledging how funny he is. That is good stuff. Though stealing children is wrong.
You are so rght that you’re very right.
Damn, that wasn’t catchy at all!
Did you know that we had a national controversy about an apology? True story! There was pressure on the old Prime Minister to apologise to the indigenous Aboriginal peoples for all the seriously messed-up stuff that the government had done to them over the last two hundred years. Y’know, small things like stealing their children, and their land, and classifying them as flora instead of people… wacky mistakes like that.
The Prime Minister With Evil Eyesbrows totally refused to do it. And his replacement did it as his very first act in parliament. It was AWESOME.
Did he really classify them as flora? If so, then someone should apologize to him for not acknowledging how funny he is. That is good stuff. Though stealing children is wrong.
If you were Seth Godin, you would name names in real time :-).
True. But if I were Seth Godin, I’d have no hair.
If you were Seth Godin, you would name names in real time :-).
True. But if I were Seth Godin, I’d have no hair.
You’re right.
Today, my client and I stopped at Sonic on our way to buy organizing containers. One look at my fries and I was pushing the little red button to have fresh, hot ones delivered.
My same skating carhop guy looked at the receipt on the bag & said “I don’t why, but the ticket says free. Here.”
“The fries are old and suck. I wanted fresh fries.” (that’s me)
Then I made him take my old fries (because I wanted him to say… yuck, you’re right)
“Oh. Well, let me give you….” he reaches into his pocket to give me my tip back…”a q-pone (not coupon)” and passes me a poker chip that says “Free Limeade Slushy”
“You can come back and use it anytime!” he said in a I-just-made-my-customer-happy voice.
I didn’t get my tip back, was finished eating by the time the hot fries arrived (a damn shame they went to waste), and earned me some Sonic poker cash.
Hope my Q-Pone for a slushy doesn’t go to waste, too.
You’re right, it probably will.
What if he’s right, and it really is pronounced “q-pone”? The whole lot of us who say “coupon” will have to go to Sonic and say, “we were wrong.”
You’re right.
Today, my client and I stopped at Sonic on our way to buy organizing containers. One look at my fries and I was pushing the little red button to have fresh, hot ones delivered.
My same skating carhop guy looked at the receipt on the bag & said “I don’t why, but the ticket says free. Here.”
“The fries are old and suck. I wanted fresh fries.” (that’s me)
Then I made him take my old fries (because I wanted him to say… yuck, you’re right)
“Oh. Well, let me give you….” he reaches into his pocket to give me my tip back…”a q-pone (not coupon)” and passes me a poker chip that says “Free Limeade Slushy”
“You can come back and use it anytime!” he said in a I-just-made-my-customer-happy voice.
I didn’t get my tip back, was finished eating by the time the hot fries arrived (a damn shame they went to waste), and earned me some Sonic poker cash.
Hope my Q-Pone for a slushy doesn’t go to waste, too.
You’re right, it probably will.
What if he’s right, and it really is pronounced “q-pone”? The whole lot of us who say “coupon” will have to go to Sonic and say, “we were wrong.”
Next to “I love you,” “you’re right” are the most beautiful words in the English language. RLC
You’re right, Bob!
Next to “I love you,” “you’re right” are the most beautiful words in the English language. RLC
You’re right, Bob!
It starts early. Last year I had to figure out how to tell a second grader why nobody wanted to play indoor recess games with him. He was always starting arguments about the rules and insisted on being right even if he had made a mistake. He also liked to point out others’ mistakes. After several attempts to referee and say things like “Just let it go,” and “Why don’t you let someone else make the rules?” I actually had to spell it out for him, very gently of course: “Would you rather be right all of the time, or have friends to play games with? Because if you keep telling people that you’re right all of the time, you’ll have no friends left.” It pained me to even have to say it, but I was afraid he was gonna get socked if he didn’t stop.
If that kid listened at all, he will one day thank you. It’s embarrassing to think how late I learned certain things. I wish someone had told me everything in 2nd grade.
It starts early. Last year I had to figure out how to tell a second grader why nobody wanted to play indoor recess games with him. He was always starting arguments about the rules and insisted on being right even if he had made a mistake. He also liked to point out others’ mistakes. After several attempts to referee and say things like “Just let it go,” and “Why don’t you let someone else make the rules?” I actually had to spell it out for him, very gently of course: “Would you rather be right all of the time, or have friends to play games with? Because if you keep telling people that you’re right all of the time, you’ll have no friends left.” It pained me to even have to say it, but I was afraid he was gonna get socked if he didn’t stop.
If that kid listened at all, he will one day thank you. It’s embarrassing to think how late I learned certain things. I wish someone had told me everything in 2nd grade.
Laura: Enjoy reading your stuff, but this post is unreadable on my iPad and iPhone. Could possibly be me. If not just me, you might be missing/losing readers who read you on the go based on something in the formatting here (maybe the embedded video details?). If universal, figured you may want to know. If not, or if instead it’s just me, then whoopsie.
Hi Neil,
Thanks so much for the heads up. You’re not the only one – a couple of people have said that today. I just installed a new plugin, give it another try if you don’t mind, and let me know whether it works for you. It works on my iphone but it did before, too.
All better! Thanks!
Laura: Enjoy reading your stuff, but this post is unreadable on my iPad and iPhone. Could possibly be me. If not just me, you might be missing/losing readers who read you on the go based on something in the formatting here (maybe the embedded video details?). If universal, figured you may want to know. If not, or if instead it’s just me, then whoopsie.
Hi Neil,
Thanks so much for the heads up. You’re not the only one – a couple of people have said that today. I just installed a new plugin, give it another try if you don’t mind, and let me know whether it works for you. It works on my iphone but it did before, too.
All better! Thanks!
All better! Thanks!
How you got past the “how are your flavors tonight” without dropping your fork is beyond me. when that happens again, and I know it will simply reply in the most dead pan tone “Jiminy Crickets.” imagine you are saying WTF.
As for the refusal to admit defeat… that waiter probably has a low tip average and I’m certain is a singleton.
Life is too short to be right and it’s really exhausting.
I’d like to promise that, but I can tell you right now that I will never say “Jiminy Crickets.” The waiter may or may not be a singleton. Lots of really annoying people hook up.
tears.
How you got past the “how are your flavors tonight” without dropping your fork is beyond me. when that happens again, and I know it will simply reply in the most dead pan tone “Jiminy Crickets.” imagine you are saying WTF.
As for the refusal to admit defeat… that waiter probably has a low tip average and I’m certain is a singleton.
Life is too short to be right and it’s really exhausting.
I’d like to promise that, but I can tell you right now that I will never say “Jiminy Crickets.” The waiter may or may not be a singleton. Lots of really annoying people hook up.
tears.
Reminds me of my encounters with my nemesis: the guy behind the print desk at Staples! Last week I picked up a poster I needed for an event (when I placed the order I asked them to tell me if the format I sent was ok). The dude handed me a finished product that was so blurry it was unusable. When I said it’s really blurry he crossed his arms and said “I printed exactly what was sent”.
These people never look you in the eye either!
I love you for having a nemesis! I have nemeses all over town, in places I refuse to stop going to because they’re too convenient to give up.
Reminds me of my encounters with my nemesis: the guy behind the print desk at Staples! Last week I picked up a poster I needed for an event (when I placed the order I asked them to tell me if the format I sent was ok). The dude handed me a finished product that was so blurry it was unusable. When I said it’s really blurry he crossed his arms and said “I printed exactly what was sent”.
These people never look you in the eye either!
I love you for having a nemesis! I have nemeses all over town, in places I refuse to stop going to because they’re too convenient to give up.
Tell me the restaurant and his name so I can go there right away! … (and punch him in the face.)
Let’s just say the restaurant’s initials are the first three letters of the alphabet. Well, not just the initials. The name.
Tell me the restaurant and his name so I can go there right away! … (and punch him in the face.)
Let’s just say the restaurant’s initials are the first three letters of the alphabet. Well, not just the initials. The name.
“Whoopsie” is definitely a good word to have in one’s vocabularly – as well as “I was wrong”. 😉
I’ve been learning a lot about not being right all the time – and being okay with that. Or even when I am actually right, not needing to make the other person aware of it or prove it to them. To let them be right instead. 🙂
Takes such restraint. But worth it, right?
“Whoopsie” is definitely a good word to have in one’s vocabularly – as well as “I was wrong”. 😉
I’ve been learning a lot about not being right all the time – and being okay with that. Or even when I am actually right, not needing to make the other person aware of it or prove it to them. To let them be right instead. 🙂
Takes such restraint. But worth it, right?
I’ve learned that saying “Whoopsie” takes all the drama out of life. When you take on fault yourself, no one can get caught up in finger pointing, he-said she-said crap and all the rest of it. It’s settled, so we can all move on now. Why it took me so long to learn this, I will never know.
Ezzzzackly. Took me a while, too. And takes practice. I don’t always remember. As for finger-pointing, I like to say “I was wrong!” while pointing right in the person’s face, just to confuse them.
I’ve learned that saying “Whoopsie” takes all the drama out of life. When you take on fault yourself, no one can get caught up in finger pointing, he-said she-said crap and all the rest of it. It’s settled, so we can all move on now. Why it took me so long to learn this, I will never know.
Ezzzzackly. Took me a while, too. And takes practice. I don’t always remember. As for finger-pointing, I like to say “I was wrong!” while pointing right in the person’s face, just to confuse them.
A couple of months ago, Adam was about to order wine at a restaurant and he asked the waitress if they had a sommelier…she said “I know a lot of people like sommelier, but we don’t carry it.” And then she suggested we go to a nearby wine bar after dinner because they might have it.
BAAAAAAAA! That’s the best thing I ever heard. I need to post that on FB.
A couple of months ago, Adam was about to order wine at a restaurant and he asked the waitress if they had a sommelier…she said “I know a lot of people like sommelier, but we don’t carry it.” And then she suggested we go to a nearby wine bar after dinner because they might have it.
BAAAAAAAA! That’s the best thing I ever heard. I need to post that on FB.
Laura
You are not wruuuung. You are right. My entire body cringed throughout that post, having once been a terrible waitress who said very little else but ‘whoopsie’.. I hate that Flavors dude. I’m never eating there
It’s true, whoopsie is only good in moderation. Sounds like you were as bad a waitress as I was. I was Queen Whoopsie.
“whoopsie is only good in moderation” hahahahah. i am becoming a maniac. i have.. to.. stop.. reading… it’s just that i love laughing.
Laura
You are not wruuuung. You are right. My entire body cringed throughout that post, having once been a terrible waitress who said very little else but ‘whoopsie’.. I hate that Flavors dude. I’m never eating there
Laura
You are not wruuuung. You are right. My entire body cringed throughout that post, having once been a terrible waitress who said very little else but ‘whoopsie’.. I hate that Flavors dude. I’m never eating there
It’s true, whoopsie is only good in moderation. Sounds like you were as bad a waitress as I was. I was Queen Whoopsie.
“whoopsie is only good in moderation” hahahahah. i am becoming a maniac. i have.. to.. stop.. reading… it’s just that i love laughing.
Laura
You are not wruuuung. You are right. My entire body cringed throughout that post, having once been a terrible waitress who said very little else but ‘whoopsie’.. I hate that Flavors dude. I’m never eating there
It is always right to admit you are wrong, which I know happens very little with you, but, not me. I am not infallible, or am I fallible? Good marriage counseling also, do you want to be right, or would you ever like to have sex again?
It’s true, usually I have to fake being wrong. Worth it for the sex.
oh…my…god… you are killing me.
It is always right to admit you are wrong, which I know happens very little with you, but, not me. I am not infallible, or am I fallible? Good marriage counseling also, do you want to be right, or would you ever like to have sex again?
It’s true, usually I have to fake being wrong. Worth it for the sex.
oh…my…god… you are killing me.
100% correct. SUCH an important lesson to learn. I want to make a joke now combining humble pie and flavors and how he could use some more of it. My pre-coffee brain won’t let it form. IT WON’T!!!!!!
Oh, just the pre-coffee joke pieces are a good start. How about, “how are the flavors in your HUMBLE PIE?”
see, it’s so simple. I had it in me all the time, I just couldn’t produce it. MAH HUMBLE PIE IS DELICIOUS!
100% correct. SUCH an important lesson to learn. I want to make a joke now combining humble pie and flavors and how he could use some more of it. My pre-coffee brain won’t let it form. IT WON’T!!!!!!
Oh, just the pre-coffee joke pieces are a good start. How about, “how are the flavors in your HUMBLE PIE?”
see, it’s so simple. I had it in me all the time, I just couldn’t produce it. MAH HUMBLE PIE IS DELICIOUS!
Gabby Bernstein says it better than “Right House or Alive House”…she just says “would you rather be right or happy”…not so barfy.
Sounds like Flavors could have used a swift kick in the ass. (Great phrase my Granpda used to use, he would have gotten along great with your mother-in-law).
As usual, love your post–I really like how you always make a useful point, even though it’s packaged in humor. Thanks! xo
I think it’s “would you rather be wrong, or insufferable?” Though it’s true, right and happy don’t fit well together. Trying to be right takes too much work.
Isnt that Dr Phil? Or Gabby, whatever, whoopsie
Gabby Bernstein says it better than “Right House or Alive House”…she just says “would you rather be right or happy”…not so barfy.
Sounds like Flavors could have used a swift kick in the ass. (Great phrase my Granpda used to use, he would have gotten along great with your mother-in-law).
As usual, love your post–I really like how you always make a useful point, even though it’s packaged in humor. Thanks! xo
I think it’s “would you rather be wrong, or insufferable?” Though it’s true, right and happy don’t fit well together. Trying to be right takes too much work.
Isnt that Dr Phil? Or Gabby, whatever, whoopsie
ooh you are so so so right on this!! it’s not that hard to admit you are WRONG and actually makes you appear more human (handy if you arent human, take note all non-humans). I don’t get wanting to be right for the sake of being right even when you are wrong – this whole process is really called ‘education’. We learn from being wrong and we file away that embarrassment and try to never ever repeat it. (though this doesn’t seem to work when drinking. odd.)
also, special applause to you for not jumping up and singing and pointing at him about how wrong he was and how right you were. that takes serious restraint.
Oh, I get wanting to be right. It’s so much fun to be right. But remembering that nobody likes that person makes it less fun.
yes, when you are ACTUALLY right… if you are wrong, and someone points out that you are obviously wrong or perhaps mistaken, and you continue to pretend to be right it just makes you look like, well Flavors. ick ick ick.
(what good restaurant/waiter only ever sticks to the menu anyway?)
ooh you are so so so right on this!! it’s not that hard to admit you are WRONG and actually makes you appear more human (handy if you arent human, take note all non-humans). I don’t get wanting to be right for the sake of being right even when you are wrong – this whole process is really called ‘education’. We learn from being wrong and we file away that embarrassment and try to never ever repeat it. (though this doesn’t seem to work when drinking. odd.)
also, special applause to you for not jumping up and singing and pointing at him about how wrong he was and how right you were. that takes serious restraint.
Oh, I get wanting to be right. It’s so much fun to be right. But remembering that nobody likes that person makes it less fun.
yes, when you are ACTUALLY right… if you are wrong, and someone points out that you are obviously wrong or perhaps mistaken, and you continue to pretend to be right it just makes you look like, well Flavors. ick ick ick.
(what good restaurant/waiter only ever sticks to the menu anyway?)