There’s this twitter user you’ve probably heard of called “Shit My Dad Says.” He’s been on the scene since early Twitter. He tweets shit his dad says, and his feed was turned into a 2010 network tv show starring William Shatner.
Except, of course, it wasn’t called “Shit My Dad Says.” It was written “$#*! My Dad Says,” and pronounced “Bleep My Dad Says.” Because in 2010, and still now, you can’t say “shit” on broadcast television.
Why? Why is “shit” a bad word?
It’s the most useful word there is, because it can mean stuff, drugs, dammit, the best (as in “you’re the shit”), business (“all up in my shit”), and, of course, poop. That’s why it’s “dirty.”
But why is it dirtier than “poop?” It isn’t any poopier. We can say poop, poo poo, caca, doo doo, doody, crap, turd, and the textbook terms like stool and feces. Talk about dirty words. Those sound the filthiest. They’re so visual. You really picture something in a jar at the doctor’s office, or on the floorboards of an abandoned crackhouse, surrounded by flies. OK, maybe that’s just me.
So we can say any word for shit except “shit.” Really, still?
It’s so arbitrary. Which I guess the FCC is. But it’s all based on what we won’t say in front of kids. Someone decided that it’s ugly for a kid to learn and repeat the word “shit.”
“Fuck,” I get, if it’s ultimately about kids. Because that’s an adult concept.
If there’s any word an adult doesn’t want to hear a kid say, it’s “fuck.”
I learned this when I was eight. My friend Alex’s mother, Marsha, was driving us to ice skating lessons, and in the back seat I taught him the old trick of singing “Yankee Doodle” with every few words beginning in “f.” So the last line is “Fuck a feather in his hat and falled it facaroni…” We were gasping with laughter, of course, because it was hilarious.
Marsha stopped the car short, so our heads banged against the front seat. This was before the whole seatbelt craze. She screamed, “I DON’T WANT THAT CRAP IN MY CAR!!!!” I cried – both at the indignity of being hollered at, and the unfairness of her fuck/crap double standard.
Parents didn’t care for my vocabulary.
Around that same time, I taught my next door neighbor, Thomas, a game called “Rape.” It was simple, economical, and easy to play: all you did was run around the house and yell, “RAPE! RAPE!!!! RAAAAAAPE!!!!” I probably should have told him, “don’t try this at home.” Because when he did, his mother came over a few minutes later and informed my mother that Thomas and I needed some time apart.
Looking back, I can understand her objection. At least she wasn’t a hypocrite. She didn’t tell me to keep my dirty mouth the fuck away from her son.
Now, why can kids say “suck?” You can even say it on kid’s TV. We all know what “suck” means. Not suck a lollipop. Not suck ice chips, or suck wind. Do I have to spell it out for you? It’s dick. Another thing you can’t say, even though it’s just like “johnson” — a guy’s name used as a euphemism for penis.
We had a family friend named Richard, around my age, and my dad would come over to him, put his hands on Richard’s shoulders, and say, “Hey, Big Dick.”
That’s not really relevant, but it was embarrassing, and I needed to share it. Back when that twitter feed was a new thing and a big deal, I’d think at least once a day, Man, why didn’t I think of Shit My Dad Says?
What about Shart My Dad Says?
I bet you can say that on TV.
This is hysterical hahaha love it.
I love you too scary fairy
I’ve been reading around your website and smirking a lot. You are truly hilarious- but this line right here, made me laugh so hard i cried, and am still laugh/crying.
“This was before the whole seatbelt craze”– you write as if seatbelts are such a fad right now–
I do think seatbelts are a flash in the pan. We’re going to look back at them and laugh – they’ll be like disco.
finally can see comments thanks to firefox!! i don’t believe he taught him “cunty” — i will have to remember to do that now — but ari did give him “snow white” for his birthday and now levi is very un-PC about dwarfs and thinks they are hilarious.
Being PC is only for when you’re at other peoples’ houses. Tell him dwarves are hilarious till you have to share an office with them. They whistle while they work!
haha Laura!!! I have children and they have had their mouths washed out;-)
They are “allowed” to say damn…but only when the mosquitos are being vicious. “Those DAMN mosquitos!”
Here’s what I learned, give them permission to use the dirty words and they rarely do it. What the H.E. double hockey sticks? Unless the damn mosquitos are biting the shit out of ’em!
.-= Melody Granger´s last blog ..Tip on Preventing Wrinkles When Packing for Your Trip =-.
Hmm, you might want to permit a few other words, in that case. Because “damn” is the least of your worries, I think.
Haha,
Nice Post and I wonder this about all cuss words, all the time. Who decided that? Who made them up? Why are some bad and some are not so bad?
Screw it, I quit thinking about it and just decided to shit on it.
-Shane
Shit as a verb is a whole other thing. Especially followed by “on.” Please do it somewhere else, Mr. Mac.
I totally got yelled at as a kid for saying “suck.” To this day my mom still gets on my case about swearing on my blog.
Except I love swearing. “Fuck” is my favorite word and I regularly sprinkle in “shit” “crap” and “hell” into polite conversation. Words are just word and they (obviously) only mean what society tells us they mean.
Hm. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night and I think I’m trying to come off more deep than I actually am. Whatever. Fuck it.
.-= Marian Schembari´s last blog ..The Internet Is Stressing Me Out =-.
Sprinkled shit is my favorite! In fact, I’m going to make “fucking sprinkled shit” my new curse.
Ok, priceless. I was cracking up the entire time because you were one little bad girl…and I love that!
Shit is a good word…it is essential for sure.
ps: This was my favorite line “This was before the whole seatbelt craze”– you write as if seatbelts are such a fad right now—I was laughing so loud that my husband looked at my very odd a minute ago 🙂
Keep it up Belgray…..your shit rocks.
I was a bad, bad girl.
I do think seatbelts are a flash in the pan. We’re going to look back at them and laugh – they’ll be like disco.
I’ve been reading around your website and smirking a lot. You are truly hilarious- but this line right here, made me laugh so hard i cried, and am still laugh/crying.
“This was before the whole seatbelt craze”– you write as if seatbelts are such a fad right now–
I do think seatbelts are a flash in the pan. We’re going to look back at them and laugh – they’ll be like disco.
I like that Talking Shrimp’s initials also stand for The Shit.
I really look forward to seeing you guys in October – hopefully sooner.
No shit.
liz
Maybe Talking Shrimp is code for The Shit. I’m way ahead of you. Planning out October festivities right now!
I wish I had a friend like you growing up…not to say that the grown up version wouldn’t be a blessing and blast, too.
Just the morning I was in bed and thinking “God, it’s amazing that with a mom like me, my son has yet (in my presence, anyway) to utter a swear word…I’m betting on ‘fuck’ (!).
Your blog is the shit!
Don’t worry, kids all develop at a different pace. I’m sure your son will come around soon.
You are just HILARIOUS Belgray. And I do believe your own book/show/some kind of outlet is very in your future. So damn honored to share a hood with you and have you as my friend. You are hot shit woman.
.-= Marie´s last blog ..How To Be Real Online (And Get Paid For It) =-.
Thanks, Forleo! Likewise honored. Your shit is dope. You increase the property value of my life and neighborhood. So glad you’re in both.
Levi curses all the time. The first time he said “shit” and I got mad his response was “but I used it correctly — I was frustrated!” Now he’s allowed to curse — (why are they called curse words or swear words? It’s not like “I fuck to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth”?) — as long as (1) he uses the words correctly and (2) he doesn’t use them in school or other people’s homes. Ever since we said he could he rarely, if ever, does. It’s sad actually because there is really nothing funnier than a 2 foot tall 4 year old saying “motherfucker.”
I think the thrill is now totally gone. Because you’ve turned cursing into something he can only screw up. He’s the only kid I know who cares about context. You should tell him that “motherfucker” is an anytime word.
Maybe Ari taught him “cunty.”
finally can see comments thanks to firefox!! i don't believe he taught him “cunty” — i will have to remember to do that now — but ari did give him “snow white” for his birthday and now levi is very un-PC about dwarfs and thinks they are hilarious.
Being PC is only for when you're at other peoples' houses. Tell him dwarves are hilarious till you have to share an office with them. They whistle while they work!
Fuck yeah, Belgray! I peed my pants twice. Is there a dirty way to say that? Pissed myself? Doesn’t come close to shitting oneself…but I didn’t do that. I think you ought to start a revolution. Just throw a few expletives in your next TV Land ad at the last minute. They might be pissed initially, but once they see how comical it is that “Fuck” is plastered all over bus stops they will get over it. For the show, I hope they go with “Business My Dad Says”…but really “Poop My Dad Says” is just ridiculous.
Ane
P.S. LOVE the SNL with Colonel Angus (say it out loud) and how all the ladies loved Colonel Angus.
.-= Ane´s last blog ..How do I follow my passion if I don’t know what it is? =-.
Score! A double pants-piss!
I would LOVE to make the network’s tagline “You’ll fucking shit yourself watching TV Land.” Thanks, I’m going to run it up the flagpole. See what the top brass has to say. I think there’s a big-ass bonus in it for me.
Pure gold, Belgray. Well done.
Thank you, Guilford.
The phrase I had to ban in my house?
‘The toilet didn’t swallow the poo.’
Ew. Swallow. Poo.
Yuck.
Thanks for your insightful, and incisive comment on an arbritrary societal peccadillo.
I fucking love your blog.
You the shit.
(Hi, if you’ve found this by googling my name, I’m a really skilled professional who you should still pay a large amount of money to to provide services to your organization. I won’t swear in front of your boss/on your syndicated TV show. Honest.)
Oh… penis.
.-= Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last blog ..How to present like Hans Rosling =-.
I don’t know how that phrase became a problem in your house. Who started it? That person swallows poo.
Wouldn’t it be nice if someone found this comment by googling your name and hired you specifically to swear on their syndicated TV show?
That’s what I’ve been hoping for. If you’ve found this by googling my name, I will swear all you fucking want.
That’s it! They should call it “YOU-KNOW-WHAT My Dad Says.” (per Margi above)
.-= Kelly Parkinson´s last blog ..The Overdelivery Zone =-.
Bet they will. Or they’ll call it something network-y – like “Dad Says.” Or “That’s So Dad.”
Holy frickin’ G-d! Your (expletive deleted) blog is kick butt! I almost you-know-what in my pantaloons! Rock on, cuz!
Wow, that’s a big [BLEEP] deal – almost messing your drawers. Thanks for the salute, cuz!
LOVE. IT. As you established, I’m not PC. Subsequently, shit ain’t a bad word in my book. It’s part of my daily jargin. And luckily, for people with mouth’s like a truck driver, like me sometimes and Chelsea Handler, there’s cable. Chiefly, the E! network.Or HBO. xo
.-= Catherine´s last blog ..Wife Beaters Aren’t Sexy =-.
Yes, thank god for cable. Especially premium.
Who needs PC? There was enough of that in college.
I love watching British comedies over here, especially the hysterical ‘The Inbetweeners” on BBC America.
The censors have no clue what words to bleep out, so words that are really in that middle section with fuck in the UK such as bollocks and wanker don’t get bleeped, but tits does. Hearing a sentence like “That’s a load of bollocks you wanker she had massive **** whilst no doubt politically incorrect still has me laughing even harder because they bleeped the wrong word.
No idea why I am sharing that with you, just because I can I guess.
.-= Tim Brownson´s last blog ..How To Change Your Attitude =-.
I love watching them try to get things past the censors on SNL. Like “taint-skin necktie.” Censors just don’t know what a taint is.
There was one famous sketch where they clearly learned they could say “penis,” so they spent the whole sketch saying “nice penis.”
There was a comedy in the UK when I was a kid called Captain Pugwash and I swear to God they had characters in it called Master Bates and Seamen Stains.
.-= Tim Brownson´s last blog ..How To Change Your Attitude =-.
Thank you! I have also been told that I’m a dead ringer.
I think you should replace Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes when he retires in 20 years. You are better than that fucking guy any day!
Know what I find atrocious? When people use the phrase “diarrhea of the mouth.” Like, “OMG I couldn’t stop talking last night. I totally had diarrhea of the mouth!” That’s so much worse than “shit.”
Was it Mrs. Tompkins who used to rant about society allowing the word “HITS” but not “SHIT”? I’m thinking of the “Communist” history teacher, but I might be confusing her with the art teacher.
I’m equally offended that “shit my dad says” has a TV deal and “shit David Belgray says” does not. Well, not yet, anyway.
Ew, I can see the diarrhea pouring out!! That is an atrocity. Now it’s going to haunt my diarheams.
I don’t remember that rant, but you’re probably thinking of Ms. Leonard. She was the commie history teacher, and Mrs. Tompkins was the kindly but sorrowful art teacher, who you might be mixing up with Ms. Bergson, the somewhat commie English teacher. (Dear House Committee on Un-American Activities: none of these teachers were really commies.)
I know, “shit David Belgray says” should be a show. What about an improv show where he asks for a word from the audience and then does free association?
Relevant story:
My mum washed my mouth out with soap for saying “bloody” when I was five years old. (A weaksauce Aussie swearword.) Horrible injustice, right?
Actually, I heard the story again as an adult and what really happened was this:
I was talking to a neighbour kid and used the word and Mum told me not to. Apparently my response was “BLOODY BLOODY BLOODY!”. THAT was when she washed my mouth out with soap.
Either way, I still can’t swear in front of my mum. 🙂
.-= Catherine Caine´s last blog ..My Awesome April results, and an Announcement =-.
That really is a weaksauce swear. Bloody. Now that’s arbitrary. What about “runny”? I’m going to declare “runny” a bad word. That, and “mouth.” So your mum won’t know what to say when you say “RUNNY RUNNY RUNNY” in front of her.
is it more correct to say ‘shart my dad said’? can it take the present tense?
Oh Mr. Stiltskin,
It can take any tense. Even subjunctive: “Were that my dad would say some shart.” But it can also take the form of, “sayings my dad sharted.”
I must ask, any relation to the Stiltskin-Flute family in Ohio?
What you may not remember (except that I’ve repeated it often enough) is that when you were almost three and applying to nursery school, the mostly deaf director smiled sweetly at you as you tried to get the wooden doughnuts on the spindle. You just couldn’t get the top on straight, and in your frustration, you kept repeating, “Oh, ship, oh ship.” You didn’t get into that school, but you started your scatological career early. And I wish you had beaten that twitter to the punch with your own book.
xoxox
Oh, I remember that story. I probably didn’t get in because I couldn’t pronounce “shit” right.
That twitter dude doesn’t have a monopoly on dad lit. And it’s not like Dad’s sayings would have fit on twitter. You only get 140 characters, and……uh…….elipses count.
You’re too funny. “All up in my shit” and “all up in my grill” are my favorite phrases, ever.
This reminds me of when I got a Nirvana CD at Walmart and the title of the song “Rape me” was changed to, “Waif me.” Huh?
And my 2 year old said, “Oh, shit,” all the time. I always told her “Don’t say that!” after she said it, so now she says, “Oh shit. Don’t say that!”
BTW I downloaded your free report the other day and it was extremely helpful. Best thing I’ve read in ages, free or paid!
.-= Kathleen´s last blog ..2 Guests Posts in 1 Day! =-.
Haha! Remind me to wear my waif whistle when I walk home alone at night!
I love the story about your 2-yr-old. That sounds like my kind of kid.
And so glad the copy guide was helpful. Thanks for the compliment!
Definitely a huge double standard, in my opinion when it comes to dirty words! 😉 WTF?
And you cracked me up as well… 😛
.-= Jess´s last blog ..Why You Shouldn’t Try to Get EVERY Customer =-.
Motherfucking huge. Thanks, J-lish.