(*Subtitle inspired by Naomi Dunford. See comment at bottom.)
Another Stuff ‘n’ Junk Report — where I pick any random item of mine, new or old, and tell you something about it. It’s inventory, with detailed back story. Like show and tell, but more tell than show.
Today, an old item:
Watermelon, cut into cubes.
When I say old, I mean old. It’s on the bottom shelf of the fridge in one of those clear deli containers, and producing some sort of gas, which is condensing on the inside of the plastic. I bought it at Valentino Market, which, despite the Italian name, is the Korean deli around the corner.
I buy watermelon there every morning, and have a fight every third day over the price. It’s my summer ritual. One lady charges me $3.25 flat, one charges me $3.25 plus tax, which comes out to $3.54, and then there’s a guy who charges $3.54 plus tax, which is $3.83. He’s the one I fight with.
Why is the watermelon still there?
Because I was planning to finish it, and the days just got away from me. It’s just a few pieces, but that’s my style: if I can’t finish the last bite or two of something, I save it for later. You never know when you’re going to want just a bite of something.
Saving bites is part of the Belgray culture. Once, at my family’s house, a friend opened the fridge looking for a snack. He said, “Oh, look! Little bitty bites of things to eat. I’m in the mood for just a bite of sweet potato. I sure wish there were just a bite of sweet potato — say!!” He turned around and showed me a nest of tin foil he’d opened, encasing a nub of sweet potato.
At this stage, the watermelon isn’t going to satisfy any sudden cravings, unless I have a hankering for a bite of fermenting fruit. But at that high – and disputed – price, it’s hard for me to just toss out.
Plus, it’s in a recyclable container. So I know I should really open it, dump the spoiled chunks, and rinse the plastic. That will be gross. I’ll wait till my husband, Steven, makes me do it. Or does it himself and tells me that if I weren’t with him, I’d be like our neighbors with the apartment full of rotting books and cabbage smell. He’s probably right.
Hahahahaha…my live in boyfriend moved out today and I have been sitting around crying all day. Thank you for a giggle, I find it so amusing since it's exactly what I do. Hmmmm, now that he is gone will I be the stinky horder next door? Yikes. Back to tears 🙂
Hahahahaha…my live in boyfriend moved out today and I have been sitting around crying all day. Thank you for a giggle, I find it so amusing since it’s exactly what I do. Hmmmm, now that he is gone will I be the stinky horder next door? Yikes. Back to tears 🙂
Belgray you can come hang out in the Cafe cooler anytime! I’ll be thinking of you when I’m cleaning and organizing all my little deli containers of tiny bites on Tuesday 🙂 I think there’s a container of cantalope from Mother’s Day…..ok, I know there is…..fermenting…..probably growing some sort of light green or white fuzzy stuff………
There’s nothing like the tang of turned cantaloupe! Gotta love that “oh shit, will that bite make me sick?” flavor. Save it for me.
Oh, man. This is me to a tee. Someday, I will get up the nerve to share the post that for now lives only in my head about how we had to sneak a kilo of rotten, raw CostCo chicken breast from the freezer (where I put it after it got stinky because I couldn't throw it out – because it was too gross) down to the trash in the dead of night and how very, very long that took to happen. You might think that would be the kind of lesson that would prevent that kind of problem from happening again – try telling that to the pinkening yogurt in the fridge.
Freezer as garbage is such a brilliant concept, I can't believe I never tried it. What's wrong with me??
I use my freezer for garbage all the time. I feel so much better about it now.
Oh, man. This is me to a tee. Someday, I will get up the nerve to share the post that for now lives only in my head about how we had to sneak a kilo of rotten, raw CostCo chicken breast from the freezer (where I put it after it got stinky because I couldn’t throw it out – because it was too gross) down to the trash in the dead of night and how very, very long that took to happen. You might think that would be the kind of lesson that would prevent that kind of problem from happening again – try telling that to the pinkening yogurt in the fridge.
Freezer as garbage is such a brilliant concept, I can’t believe I never tried it. What’s wrong with me??
I use my freezer for garbage all the time. I feel so much better about it now.
I get saving the watermelon. But 1 bite of sweet potato? I’m surprised your husband doesn’t just come through your frig and gobble things like that up. I try saving things – in our household, though. When things go into the frig, they seem to become invisible and never get eaten. Sad but true.
No, he’s not interested if it’s in the fridge. But he’ll gobble it up to keep it from going IN the fridge. Everything in there is invisible, always. Unless it’s half a blondie I hid in the butter compartment, in which case I see it even when the fridge is closed.
Oh Laura – we are from the same cloth. I too am a 1 bite saver. Currently on my counter is literally 1 bite of a banana left, a bite of toast that I have been eating off of for 3 days and 1/4 of a piece of gum. I can make a mini, single bite snickers last for 4 bites. A hersheys kiss is worth at least 2 bites. I'm a 3rd generation bite saver. My mom used to have a pencil box full of those orange circus peanuts and she could make each one last 3-4 sittings. My husband makes fun of me every day – my daughter will leave 5 peas on her plate and he'll say “should I save that for your dinner tomorrow”. I get it. I am sure we have common nubs in our bite full fridges worth sharing:) Glad to know I am not the one who's nuts!
Melani
1: I love having you comment here. 2: You've just gone a level deeper into the bite saving: bite SIZE. I can tell, we're on the same page there, too: I can't stand eating things in one giant bite. I'm like you, i like to make them last for as many bites as possible. I was about to expand on that, but it might be a whole blog post in itself. Bite-saving and food hoarding could be its own book. I'm going to call it “The Portable Watermelon Asshole.” It'll be filled with witticisms and advice on saving bites in the fridge till they turn into soup.
I get saving the watermelon. But 1 bite of sweet potato? I'm surprised your husband doesn't just come through your frig and gobble things like that up. I try saving things – in our household, though. When things go into the frig, they seem to become invisible and never get eaten. Sad but true.
No, he's not interested if it's in the fridge. But he'll gobble it up to keep it from going IN the fridge. Everything in there is invisible, always. Unless it's half a blondie I hid in the butter compartment, in which case I see it even when the fridge is closed.
Do you have a pre-release list? Do you need testimonials or examples?
Did you know you can keep romaine lettuce in the fridge for weeks?
Yes!
It's true. Never mind the outside of the lettuce turns from an attractive envelope of wholesome green goodness into a sheaf of black slimy goo. Scrape off the goo and there is more green goodness inside. Fresh as… uh… whatever, fresh.
I swear this it true.
I will use your wisdom when I edit the 1-Bite Saver Anthology – a compiliation of tips and tricks from the most pathological food savers I know. Thanks!
Oh Laura – we are from the same cloth. I too am a 1 bite saver. Currently on my counter is literally 1 bite of a banana left, a bite of toast that I have been eating off of for 3 days and 1/4 of a piece of gum. I can make a mini, single bite snickers last for 4 bites. A hersheys kiss is worth at least 2 bites. I’m a 3rd generation bite saver. My mom used to have a pencil box full of those orange circus peanuts and she could make each one last 3-4 sittings. My husband makes fun of me every day – my daughter will leave 5 peas on her plate and he’ll say “should I save that for your dinner tomorrow”. I get it. I am sure we have common nubs in our bite full fridges worth sharing:) Glad to know I am not the one who’s nuts!
Melani
1: I love having you comment here. 2: You’ve just gone a level deeper into the bite saving: bite SIZE. I can tell, we’re on the same page there, too: I can’t stand eating things in one giant bite. I’m like you, i like to make them last for as many bites as possible. I was about to expand on that, but it might be a whole blog post in itself. Bite-saving and food hoarding could be its own book. I’m going to call it “The Portable Watermelon Asshole.” It’ll be filled with witticisms and advice on saving bites in the fridge till they turn into soup.
Do you have a pre-release list? Do you need testimonials or examples?
Did you know you can keep romaine lettuce in the fridge for weeks?
Yes!
It’s true. Never mind the outside of the lettuce turns from an attractive envelope of wholesome green goodness into a sheaf of black slimy goo. Scrape off the goo and there is more green goodness inside. Fresh as… uh… whatever, fresh.
I swear this it true.
I will use your wisdom when I edit the 1-Bite Saver Anthology – a compiliation of tips and tricks from the most pathological food savers I know. Thanks!
I think I see some real potential here. Laura Belgray's Lip-Smacking Gaseous Watermelon Schnapps!
PS, I really like these, in part because you're not trying to make the rotting watermelon into some high-falutin' marketing metaphor. “The fermenting sugars and rapidly dividing e. coli are just like facebook aps!”
Oh, close call. I was going to title this, “What rotten watermelon can teach you about starting a business.”
I know. The marketing metaphors. Oy.
I do this with yoghurt. I love yoghurt but I don't trust it. And so if it has been in the fridge longer than three days – no matter what the silly use-by says – it's Done.
Do you mean you refuse to eat it but keep it in the fridge for eternity anyway? Because that's what I do. I figure it's been around too long, but I don't really want to face throwing it out, so I don't even look.
Sometimes, I eat half the yogurt, and put the rest away for later – with the tinfoil open. Like I'm really going to eat that open-air yogurt.
Yep! Although I tend to buy those little one-serve packs and refuse to open them anyway.
I asked The Dude to buy me some yoghurt yesterday like this: “…and could you buy me some yoghurt don't give me that eyebrow I know there's an entire pack in there from last time but it scared me so I didn't eat it.”
This is meant to be funny, but will come off sounding slightly more pitiful I'm sure. My mom is one of ten, all in all a very poor family of twelve total. If anyone should need anything eatin my mom is on the job. This woman will justify that watermelon, maybe not if the container was starting to sink in on itself (but she would at the very least consider it for a moment and salvage the container). She lives alone and shops at costco, she has that food saver thing and she's packing and freezing whole pineapples (because you can't buy less than two at time at costco) and steaks (and if they don't freeze properly for some reason, she will justify the freezer burn. Once when I was visiting her, the fridge went on the fritz, suddenly the weekend turned into an eating frenzy, what could she possibly salvage before it all went bad by monday. This may have sent her into a minor depression, but she pulled through. As for myself, vegies/fruit get three days, then they are toast.
Haha. Actually, that is funny. I picture you trying to choke down pineapples and raw steaks before they rot. Pretty great story.
Yogurt.
It's already rotten.
As long as it's not growing mold (do not ask me how I know this) it should be fine.
*shudder*
I'm not a fan of watermelon but, as always, I am still a fan of your watermelon post.
Thx for reminding me that I need to buy some recyclable containers. This is why I love your blog: Hilarious AND YET filled with PRACTICAL ADVICE:)
Oh! You MUST take me to this Valentino market. Sounds like a magical place. Even if it is just a “deli” xo
What I love is that you can get advice where I didn't even give any. That makes it a magical blog! And yes, Valentino is, indeed, a magical place, where Dominicans roll sushi and Koreans use Italian mob tactics on customers. They also have free samples of cut up croissant some mornings, undoubtedly pawed through by the bums who hang out outside. That doesn't stop me from eating them, but the staleness does. Not worth the calories.
This is meant to be funny, but will come off sounding slightly more pitiful I’m sure. My mom is one of ten, all in all a very poor family of twelve total. If anyone should need anything eatin my mom is on the job. This woman will justify that watermelon, maybe not if the container was starting to sink in on itself (but she would at the very least consider it for a moment and salvage the container). She lives alone and shops at costco, she has that food saver thing and she’s packing and freezing whole pineapples (because you can’t buy less than two at time at costco) and steaks (and if they don’t freeze properly for some reason, she will justify the freezer burn. Once when I was visiting her, the fridge went on the fritz, suddenly the weekend turned into an eating frenzy, what could she possibly salvage before it all went bad by monday. This may have sent her into a minor depression, but she pulled through. As for myself, vegies/fruit get three days, then they are toast.
Haha. Actually, that is funny. I picture you trying to choke down pineapples and raw steaks before they rot. Pretty great story.
Mine's not watermelon…. It was half a banana before I threw it in the compost just a bit ago – much too soft for any respectable banana! 😛
Oh, half bananas. I save those too – and bananas are so cheap! But who can eat a whole banana? My husband gets so mad when he sees the half banana on the counter. Sometimes I wrap the end in saran wrap, but that makes him even madder.
Belgray you can come hang out in the Cafe cooler anytime! I'll be thinking of you when I'm cleaning and organizing all my little deli containers of tiny bites on Tuesday 🙂 I think there's a container of cantalope from Mother's Day…..ok, I know there is…..fermenting…..probably growing some sort of light green or white fuzzy stuff………
There's nothing like the tang of turned cantaloupe! Gotta love that “oh shit, will that bite make me sick?” flavor. Save it for me.
Ooh, I discovered that if you put the banana in the fridge, it can rot for even longer. The skin turns a nicely horrible shade of black but the fruit is still edible for quite a while. Plus you don't stink up the kitchen.
Please, why is Chiquita Banana so insistent that you must never put bananas in the refrigerator, (no no no no)? It works so perfectly!
I think I see some real potential here. Laura Belgray’s Lip-Smacking Gaseous Watermelon Schnapps!
PS, I really like these, in part because you’re not trying to make the rotting watermelon into some high-falutin’ marketing metaphor. “The fermenting sugars and rapidly dividing e. coli are just like facebook aps!”
Oh, close call. I was going to title this, “What rotten watermelon can teach you about starting a business.”
I know. The marketing metaphors. Oy.
I do this with yoghurt. I love yoghurt but I don’t trust it. And so if it has been in the fridge longer than three days – no matter what the silly use-by says – it’s Done.
Do you mean you refuse to eat it but keep it in the fridge for eternity anyway? Because that’s what I do. I figure it’s been around too long, but I don’t really want to face throwing it out, so I don’t even look.
Sometimes, I eat half the yogurt, and put the rest away for later – with the tinfoil open. Like I’m really going to eat that open-air yogurt.
Yep! Although I tend to buy those little one-serve packs and refuse to open them anyway.
I asked The Dude to buy me some yoghurt yesterday like this: “…and could you buy me some yoghurt don’t give me that eyebrow I know there’s an entire pack in there from last time but it scared me so I didn’t eat it.”
Yogurt.
It’s already rotten.
As long as it’s not growing mold (do not ask me how I know this) it should be fine.
*shudder*
I’m not a fan of watermelon but, as always, I am still a fan of your watermelon post.
Thx for reminding me that I need to buy some recyclable containers. This is why I love your blog: Hilarious AND YET filled with PRACTICAL ADVICE:)
Oh! You MUST take me to this Valentino market. Sounds like a magical place. Even if it is just a “deli” xo
What I love is that you can get advice where I didn’t even give any. That makes it a magical blog! And yes, Valentino is, indeed, a magical place, where Dominicans roll sushi and Koreans use Italian mob tactics on customers. They also have free samples of cut up croissant some mornings, undoubtedly pawed through by the bums who hang out outside. That doesn’t stop me from eating them, but the staleness does. Not worth the calories.
Mine’s not watermelon…. It was half a banana before I threw it in the compost just a bit ago – much too soft for any respectable banana! 😛
Oh, half bananas. I save those too – and bananas are so cheap! But who can eat a whole banana? My husband gets so mad when he sees the half banana on the counter. Sometimes I wrap the end in saran wrap, but that makes him even madder.
Ooh, I discovered that if you put the banana in the fridge, it can rot for even longer. The skin turns a nicely horrible shade of black but the fruit is still edible for quite a while. Plus you don’t stink up the kitchen.
Please, why is Chiquita Banana so insistent that you must never put bananas in the refrigerator, (no no no no)? It works so perfectly!
Dude. I have that same watermelon. I was looking at it earlier and saying, “What kind of an asshole can’t throw out her watermelon?” The answer is… the Laura Belgray kind of asshole.
Thank you for being a watermelon asshole. I now do not feel so alone.
No, thank YOU! I had a feeling we shared that.
I am starting a watermelon asshole school online. It’s a continuity program – just $1900 a year, including an online forum to chat about rotting watermelon, and tons of downloadable goodies. I’m hoping I can interview you. And, of course, you will have free membership.
I fucking HOPE I get free membership. Being a big deal on the internet should not only apply to internet marketing industry comps. I want rotting fruit comps, too.