1) Walk towards mirrors and say “‘scuse me” to my reflection, and try to get out of her way.
2) Have a heartbeat in my eyelid.
3) Get deja vus that become deja vu about a deja vu. Did I think this thought before, or am I remembering thinking I’d thought this thought before, or was that a dream, and now I lost it like a sneeze. What was I just about to google?
4) Resist the urge all day to say, “I’m so tired.” Because that’s interesting how?
5) Stare at ordinary words more than usual. Is that how you spell “for”? F-O-R? It looks foreign. Like, Slavic foreign.
“Doing” looks like it rhymes with “boing.”
“Any” wants to be spelled E-N-N-Y.”
“Enough,” you are one f-d up looking word. Werd? Word.
6) Choose snacks that aren’t real snacks. I ducked into an awful store called Buddy’s Big Deals Small Lots and almost bought a bag of Campfire marshmallows just to munch a few on the last block of my walk home. (Do you really “munch” marshmallows? Or just think you can when you’re tired?) I only didn’t because they were dusty. Dusty fingers + marshmallows = no
7) Almost sit down to pee without pulling down pants. Almost.
8) Think all night about going to bed early and then stay up till 2am staring at Facebook waiting for it to do something fun that centers around me. (Also when not tired)
9) Forget the other things I was going to write, that I didn’t write down because delusions of having a decent short-term memory.
10) Dammit.
Now you:
What do you do — Hey, WAKE UP! — What do you do when you’re tired, and how much sleep do you need, because I need like 9 hours and I consider that cosmically unfair. I’d have so much extra time if I only needed 6 or 7.
But I digress.
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS!
Dear L:
I stumbled upon this post and find it awesome and humorous in many ways.
My addition, #11… Wonder if the boss will notice if I am sleeping at my desk. Probably not.
Sweet dreams,
LR
You are hilarious!
Are you sure you’re not really a stand-up comedian in disguise ;)?
Ok one thing even less interesting than “I’m so tired” is “I am SO busy at work”, or similarly “Things have been so crazy this week”. Sometimes I can stop myself while I’m saying it, or sometimes I notice I said it and feel ashamed. Also “Oh my God it’s freezing in here”.
I do it too, and then feel the burn of shame.
“How are you?”
“You know…busy! But it’s good, it’s good.”
YAWN
I’m much too tired to respond cohesively, er cohearently, um coherently.
Mom, you’re mumbling. I can’t here you.
What? That’s all I wrote, and I got: “Your comment was a bit too short. Please go back and try again.”
past my bedtime + chocolate = devour the extra large size bar. too tired for any regrets.
Past my bedtime + too tired for regrets = second round of ice cream.
Oh tiredness.
Leaving objects in strange places – keys in the fridge, wallet in the blender, phone in the hydrangea.
Spacing out and staring at the tree outside my window or at the floor – sometimes in mid-sentence.
Ongoing jokes and running commentary on things often in silly voices – especially Sean Connery. (Actually don’t need to be tired for this to happen)
Interpretations of popular songs done in chicken sounds – that’s after only 5 hours of sleep and no coffee in the house.
Dropping things, bumping into walls and general coordination misadventures.
Alright! That wore me out. Time for a nap!
Phone in the hydrangea’s not a bad idea. Plants really do thrive when you talk to them. You should try calling!
I worry what the response might be. My plant speaking capabilities are a bit scattered. I do ok with Fern, but Hydrangea might be more like speaking Russian or something.
Ok. I’ll try!
OK Laura – first of all you are on fire — keep ’em coming! I’m relieved to know you speak to household items as well.
-I banged in to my dresser a few nights ago, in a sleep-deprived coma, and apologized profusely.
– Get sucked in by an email from linked in (which I never use when alert) & congratulate people on work anniversaries, endorse semi strangers for skills I don’t even understand (Great for the career)
– Refuse to admit that I’m tired when my husband gently suggests I might want to get some sleep.
– Irrationally stay up late to to spite him
– Watch creepy or sad documentaries & fall asleep in the middle.
Thanks, Nell!
I not only talk to mirrors, I yell at the fridge. Ours has a seal stronger than a locked bank safe, which keeps you from opening it for like 3 minutes after it’s just been closed. I yell at it and call it an asshole.
My husband never gently suggests I get to sleep. He yells “LAUR!” from the bedroom repeatedly until I get into bed. And then reaches over and messes with my iPad screen if I’m trying to stay up and read. Always loses my place.
I now picture you nodding off during Shoah. Or Capturing The Friedmans.
I think about napping, then if I have time to nap, the nap gets sabotaged by the buckets of coffee I’ve had earlier to avoid things like needing a nap. Dammit.
Also 2, 4, 9 yup. I really have to focus on #4, the “I’m so tired” statement is almost as interesting as anything relating to the weather. Also, to emphasize this I’ll number it:
1) I’d only read your daily-ish blog cause you make me snort laugh and…..I love a little procrastination. This comment is in fact allowing me to procrastinate.
2) Remember I was the “girl and her carrot.” Yeah, it’s been awhile. I’ve lurked and kept up with the shrimp though.
3) I’m now the YONUT. like a donut but not really.
4) I obviously like lists.
xo
Jen
Of course I remember you and your/ her carrot, Jen. You’re one of my OG commenters!
Is a yonut a donut combined with a yossant?
oops. *why your*
Or when you read a paragraph and you can’t seem to remember what you read for the 10th time.
And ask yourself: “What can’t I remember this?”
yet, you re-read the same words and find yourself googling the simplest of words like the. Saying, “Oh my god, what?!”
I’ve done that at 2 a.m. 3 a.m. 4 a.m. Maybe, alzheimer’s sets in or deja vu. Dunno when you’re eye is twitching at the corner of your eye.
And then I end up connecting a wee bit to other side too much. Meaning, spirits talking to me.
It’s Dejavuzheimers.
“Connecting a wee bit to the other side too much.” Haven’t we all done that?
I love having your POV (psycich’s eye view) in here. Definitely adds a new flavor.
Thanks so much, Laura, for having me.
Yes, agreed. We’ve all connected or felt a presence when we become way TOO tired.
I just love sharing my POV and reading YOURS!
Just love belgray posts. (winks).
Who’s out there agitating for the rights of we, the sleep-needers? Imagine what we could do if we needed less sleep! It’s an underrecognized handicap for sure.
NOBODY. Know why? Early Bird lobby is too powerful. They own Washington. And whatever’s the equivalent in Japan.
Don’t forget putting things where they don’t belong. Couldn’t find my car keys for 2 days. They were in the refrigerator. I need 9 hrs sleep, too, or my mind is a complete fog the next day.
I always put stuff in the refrigerator. Or the freezer. Except the stuff that’s supposed to go in there like, say, the pint of ice cream I leave in my bag instead.
#5, #8 & #9 definitely.
That’s all I do actually!
Word. And those activities leave little time for sleep.
I sometimes get so tired I ask questions out loud when I already know the answers…and catch myself immediately after it comes out saying, “Why did I ask that?”
And definitely look at words that I know are spelled correctly. The worst was “the”.
Thanks for inadvertently starting a support comment string for those of us who require 9 hours 🙂
That’s because it’s spelled “thuh.”
Laura, tired or not- I am so glad you are writing every day – or some semblance of that- because regardless of what time it comes- it is always a welcome relief from WHATEVER I am doing (unless talking to Tangela Ekhoff).
Keep it up- you have made me smile AND laugh every day this week!! A WHOLE week!
xoxox
Thank you! That means everything. I will do my best to continue. And never stop talking to Tangela Ekhoff for anything. Nothing’s worth it, not even a fire.
Are you sure about that fire thing? It’s hotter than the inside of Satan’s butt crack out here on the Prairie. I mean I’m one thigh rub away from setting the whole state ablaze. So proud of you Belgray for going a whole WEEK! And Beth has been bragging on you every day.
Oh, when I’m tired, I take to the bed… and nap…then I wake myself up by snoring like a beached walrus who is so over amusing the crowds at Sea World.
*hangs head*
I go to McDonald’s and order 10 McNuggets (meal, of course)with BBQ sauce, a big Diet Coke (cause it wakes me up!) … *cringes* and a caramel sundae with nuts.
I said I wouldn’t eat them anymore, after they got rid of the the hot mustard sauce [I just spelled ‘mustard’ “thought’ because I’m so tired today after a writing marathon all week). Why? Why get rid of that sauce!? It was the only reason I ate them.
I’m living proof that no matter how old you get, you still let fatigue drive your bus some days.
Right? Why does everyone discontinue making the best thing they make? I’M TALKING TO YOU, WARNERS BRAS.
You know what makes me laugh? The French word for mustard. Moutarde. It always sounds politically incorrect.
#2- #4 … yup
#8 & #9… yup
also…
– wonder if the sound of my forehead hitting the desk when i fall asleep will wake me or if it will be the impact that does
– tickle the hairs between my dog’s toes to see if he will play with me when i know he’d prefer to nap. and so would i.
– convince myself that i can take like a little 30m nap on the sofa at 11P and then get up and power through what needs to be done. then i wake up at 2A and wonder why i didn’t hear the alarm i set for 11:45P or the one for midnight. then i go get in the bed and swear i’m gonna get up at 6 to finish. which works about once of every 10 tries. so usually i just stay up.
BUT, i’m about a 6-hour sleeper during the week.
I ALWAYS think I’m going to have energy for work at some other hour. I picture myself staying up all night, alert and focused. Or bouncing out of bed at 6. Never, ever happens. A blog post on its own.
The word thing is the best. I do that both when tired and not tired. It’s the ultimate mind worm hole.
Just staring at those weird words.
Something I also do when I’m tired is forget my actual age. I think I’m 35 not wait I’m 36 no wait I’m 35.
Clearly youngheimers is taking over.
Is that how you spell WORM?
I’m not sure.
I totally keep forgetting my age!
When I’m as tired as you describe, I neglect to leave replies to each individual comment I receive on my hypothetical blog entry that I posted two days ago.
Oh, [hypothetical] snap!
Oh yes he did.