I look like shit I look like shit I look like shit.
That’s the thought that ruined my whole evening recently. And my steak.
That day, I’d been part of a photo shoot for a friend who’s a stylist and needed to put outfits on real people (read: so. not. models.) for her blog.
She had pros there to do my hair and makeup. I thought the result was maybe a little much.
Too much eye makeup? And was the “rock ‘n’ roll” hair really me? But when I came home after the shoot, Steven really liked the look. He’d be the first to say, kindly of course, “you look like a painted whore.” So I knew he was being honest, and kept the hair and makeup in place to go out with friends.
One of those friends always comments when she likes my outfit or thinks I look great. I was predicting she’d say, “You should always wear your hair that way.”
What did she actually say when we met up at the restaurant bar?
Nothing. She said nothing.
All through dinner, I could barely join in the conversation. My friends’ voices faded into the distance while I stared down at my ribeye, thinking, “This hair and makeup was for the camera, not real life. I look like a crackhead mental patient clown and everyone’s obsessed with it.”
Well, part of that might have been true. Maybe I looked insane, or maybe I looked great. The fact that no one said anything doesn’t mean either. But one thing I can tell you for sure: No one else was thinking about it.
Because here’s good and bad news:
No one is thinking about you as much as you are.
Not when you look bad, not when you look good, not after you trip, not when you submit a resume and it’s on someone’s desk, not when you laugh a little too loud and the laugh keeps echoing in your ears and you think everyone else is still hearing it, too. Also, not when it’s your birthday. That “birthday feeling” you have all day long? No one else has it on your special day, just you.
We’re not dwelling on you, because we’re too busy dwelling on ourselves.
And that brings me to my very specific business advice.
If you write a blog, and then stop blogging for a long time, YOU DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF. Don’t bother. Don’t point it out. Don’t start back up with that post that begins, “You may have noticed I haven’t been blogging for a while. Here’s why.”
I’ve done this. And I cringe that I’ve done it, because every time I see one of those come into my inbox, I think, “I don’t care!”
I don’t care where you were, what you were doing, why you had writers’ block, how you overcame it to write this grand comeback-and-mea-culpa announcement of a blog post.
I might not have even noticed that you’d been away. You know how much shit is in my inbox?
You may be burning with shame for not keeping up with an editorial calendar, but no one else is sitting around thinking, “What a pathetic loser. She was on a roll, and now she’s not. She’s broken her word to herself, which is just what I expected, even though I don’t really know her. Consistency is key to success, so clearly she will have zero success. Burn in hell, sucker. ”
If I’ve given any thought to the fact that you haven’t blogged in a while, it was probably more along the lines of “Huh, wonder where so-and-so went. I miss her posts.”
And we should all be so lucky, to be noticed in our absence or even missed.
So, if you’re writing a big comeback blog post, take out the comeback part. Just make it a regular blog post. You should be all, “What. I haven’t been slacking off. YOU’VE been slacking off. YOU’RE the loser. I’ve been here the whole time. Here’s a blog post.”
Because we’re not thinking about it. Your eye makeup, on the other hand, looks crazy.
Now you.
When do you think people are thinking about you way more than they are?
Ever write one of those “I haven’t written a blog post in a while” blog posts?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
ps – I’ve decided I really like my hair and makeup the way they did it that day. Tried to replicate the tousled waves at home, but just ended up with straight hair that reeked of my “Motion Lotion” thickening product.
ps – B-School enrollment closes Wednesday, March 4th. If you’re thinking about it, make sure you check out my bonus first. Just click the button below to find out more.
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Ha! For real! I hate those posts too, like who cares? I hate when people post too much because I can’t freakin keep up! I’d rather they post one big epic, super useful post like once a month, than a bunch of crap all week long just to post.
I don’t know where people got the idea that you’re supposed to post every day anyway!
That said, I love the “special birthday feeling” analogy. I never thought of it that way, but it’s so true!
Thanks for this! Definitely sharing 🙂
I’m glad you hate when people post too much. I feel better about not posting every day. Or did you mean everyone but me?
Good stuff, Laura! Thanks for relieving my guilt 🙂
Laura! You took the words out of my hands typing them on my keyboard.
Awesome post.
I had literally just started to write an “I’m back” post when I saw this – promptly deleted it and am focusing on just writing a good piece to return with.
You’re awesome Laura! And… you just saved me from committing this crime. Thank you xx
Hahaha. This is brilliant. And so true!
I do this all the time – at conferences, in meetings, out for lunch. You sit there thinking – everyone is looking at me and I sound like a complete idiot. Stop talking.
The feeling you get when you finally realise people DON’T CARE? Amazeballs.
This is what I tell myself when I’m at the gym. No one cares what I look like, how I’m running, what shoes I’m wearing, that I’m wearing my Flattering Shorts.
However, people do care when one gets a nosebleed while on the treadmill. That will get you noticed.
I actually hate you for such Flattering Shorts. Leg envy.
1.) I want to see that hair.
2.) What does hoar make up look like?
3.) Crap. I’ve done that!
I had the nerve to ask if anyone missed me. (There were crickets…. Okay, not really I had people tell me they love me… but how freaking up myself!) I’m not doing that again.
http://angelfoods.net/7-lessons-learnt-cake-business-timeout/
I have to agree. No one loves my birthday nearly as much as me. Love this post though!
I’m so happy I read this… not having to explain falling off the blogging wagon might actually help me get back on it 🙂
Hi Laura,
yet another great post! it is so true… I post a daily illustration on my social media sites and some days, I think my drawings are crappy. I post it anyway because I made a commitment to do so every day for 365 days… I keep feeling ashamed for posting something crappy and feel afraid my followers are going to be all disappointed… but I don’t think anyone else is as invested in my daily post, and it’s just another thing that shows up on their feed once a day. Such a good reminder!
Yuko
YOU? You keep going. Keep posting every day, and that’s a win all on its own. Crappy is part of it. You have to produce the crap to produce the gold. I’ll bet that a few people are very invested in you posting every day, because they’re rooting for you- but any day that a post isn’t *all that*, nobody but you is thinking about it. That’s a thing I always have to remind myself. That when friends aren’t crazy about one of my posts, I’m the only one thinking about it for the rest of the day.
I so needed to hear this. Great insight for personal and for blogging!
Hi Laura,
I wondered, now I understand why nobody has said, “I missed your blog,” especially since I haven’t blogged now for the past 82 years.
As for the crazy mixed-up mental patient clowns, I’m sure you are aware they have contributed to the meals on our table when you were growing up. (Furthermore, many
of them are among my colleagues; all those psychiatrists, psychoanalysts, psychologists, corporate managers, etc. are in this field because they (at least unconsciously) are motivated by the wish to resolve their/our own meshuganeh heritages. So, as a sign on a men’s room wall exhorted, please, “Support mental illness before I kill you”. Not you but the generic you. You I love! Dad
Dad, I got the impression that the mental patient clowns didn’t pay as well. Weren’t you charging them on a sliding scale?
Oh, thank you for this!!! I totally hear you and adore your way of going at things. I’ve been a bit sad lately from seeing and experiencing a whole crap load of self absorption in the world lately. People really don’t mean to be that way but our society and gadgets kind of demand it of us if we want to stay connected. so I I’m choosing to see it all thru a more ‘conditioning’ lens and less of a intentional choice. We can all be a bunch of self important dweebs at times!
I too recently went from bright red hair back to blonde with purple ombred ends. After a flurry of OMG’s on the FB it’s been like people I know are trying not to say something, which is bizarre to me since I noticed shit about people all the time, down to a different way of doing their eyes. But it also probably has to do with being creative and people see me changing all the time and just don’t bother in commenting! Ha, see, trying to figure them out! It’s time for all of us to care less what their thinking and care more about each other in general:)
Oooh I know what you mean about posts that start with “I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long.” It makes me stop reading! I didn’t wait 3 months for more vegan desserts only to start back with a dose of apologies. Snoozefest. Ha! I seem really mean, don’t I?
Right? Though to me, vegan desserts also = snoozefest. What is the point of dessert if it contains NO BUTTER?
If I wasn’t preparing for my 2nd swan dive into B-School… if I hadn’t just launched a faaaabulous website with AWESOME copy all sprinkled all over it like butterfly kisses that Lady Utterly Awesome herself (that’s you) helped me write… I’d be SOOOOOO jumping on your bonus B-School bandwagon!! I hope the crowds are flocking!
I’ve been getting the most incredible feedback from absolutely everyone about my site. “It’s SO YOU!!” and “It sounds JUST LIKE YOU!!” and “How did you DO that???”
I just smile my cheshire smile and hand out names and URL’s. Because having you on my team has been a game changer. It’s not just the way I’m seen in the world that has shifted so dramatically (which it has)… it’s how I see myself and every single thing I say and do as a result that is so mind-blowing. My husband even commented on it!
Needless to say, I love your blog, I love B-School and I love YOU!!
Had to gush.
xoxox
I love you back, and so happy I got to SPRINKLE ALL OVER YOUR WEBSITE! Congrats.
Brilliant as always! I haven’t blogged in ages and was going to start my next one with that crappy intro, now I won’t. Thank you for saving me. Also, this made me feel so much better about the paranoid b*tch in my head. I might just ignore her next time 🙂
Yup. I’ve been in a situation when I haven’t published my newsletter for a few months (geee!). I had serious guilt because of that. When I finally got my act together I decided to skip all the apologies after agonizing over the guilt and the fact that I’m such a slacker. Eventually I managed to sent another nice looking newsletter like nothing happened. And nothing did happen – no one emailed me back saying ‘where have you been”!
I got couple of unsubs, and I thought that this was the ‘punishment’ for not writing 😉 which probably wasn’t correlated at all.
You’re totally right – other people don’t think about us as much as we do. And it feels so much more free and light to be out of my own head.
I love how you say out loud all of my most shameful secrets or insane inner commentary. You’re the only blogger that I miss when you take a break. Of course, you noticed I haven’t commented here for awhile, right? Right? Right?
This reminds me of something I’ll never forget that Isabel Allende wrote in her autobiographical book “Paula”. Once when she was quite young, preparing to go to a job interview, and feeling awfully nervous, her uncle said, “The guy GIVING the interview is probably more nervous than YOU. Or he is too busy thinking about himself to notice things about you. So relax! ”
I try to tell myself this whenever I have to go out of my comfort zone and talk to people I don’t know in “important” situations.
well said! I have been frozen in a blog pause! i think thats the monster that keeps me from starting up again- the explaining the fact that I am so busy and am wearing too many hats in my company… i just realized (in reading your blog) i have been trying to figure out a way to explain, although I didn’t really realize thats what I was doing. no one does really give a shit i always tell other people so why havent I been taking that advice myself?! this lovely human experience we have is always perplexing and our precious little egos that keep us held back and not shining our true selves. thanks for calling out bullshit on myself. i will write like no one is reading..
Laura,
What a relief! I have done that! I was just thinking that I may not get my weekly video out tomorrow so this post came at the right time.
No self-shaming!
You crack me up and I always appreciate your posts.
Dawn
I love you. That is all!
Love this post. I recently went to a conference and I felt like when I was trying to network that everything that came out of my mouth was idiotic and they must think I’m a idiot. I finally calmed myself by deciding it was not all about me and…. so what if they think I’m an idiot… Later, I was invited to join a mastermind group from that conference so I guess I wasn’t as idiotic as I thought!
I also have a friend the dresses really cute and I always try to look extra good when I go out with her and she “rarely” ever says a word about how a look. I started thinking that she thought I looked awful but finally concluded she didn’t even notice how I looked. So glad I’m not the only one that has these crazy obsessions. You are awesome Laura!
I’m sorry that I haven’t read you for awhile Laura, because I’ve been on quiet recluse mode for email and … wait! WHAT? Oh, yes. You didn’t notice my absence and you don’t care. But I’m great with that because I’m back and you’re here writing cool and witting things. Welcome back to my inbox. 🙂
Of COURSE I noticed! But you’ve redeemed yourself now.
Hi Laura,
I so want to see a picture of that hairstyle. I have to say that I always write: Sorry I haven’t written in a long time (on my blogs) and I guess I shouldn’t continue with that anymore. I get so apologetic and you’re right..just a good reminder to get back on the horse and write another blog post.
So, you couldn’t get that wave action back on in your hair?
You crack me up, Laura.
Love your lovely brain,
Trisha
There’s actually a photo of it on this site! I’m wearing a denim jacket. And the hair isn’t nearly as wild as you’re picturing. But in real life, in my head, it felt so overdone.