It’s my dad’s 81st birthday. I’m sure he’ll get some Happy Birthday posts on his Facebook timeline. But if I told him to check his timeline, the conversation would go like this:
DAD: “Lime line?”
DAD: “Rhyme line?”
ME: “TIME line. Check your time line.”
DAD: “No need. I don’t have any appointments today.”
So my dad doesn’t know all the Facebook mumbo-jumbo. He uses it, though.
You can’t knock a guy who appears both in faded sepia photos and on an internet-based social media platform.
If you’re ready to take your Facebook experience to the next level, you can learn to use it just like my dad does by following these simple tips:
1) Get all facebook notifications, including every item from your news feed, sent to your AOL inbox.
2) Comment on posts by replying via email, and cc the whole family –“family” including members you scrounged up in rigorously Anglo-Saxon countries and informed, “You and I are family. Mazel Tov.”
3) When anyone mentions Facebook, ask, “How do I access Facebook?” Blame the difficulty on “lousy AOL,” which you’ll never leave.
4) Manage to log on every four months, and comment on posts and photos from 3 years ago as though you never saw or commented on them before. Some of your new comments should directly follow your old comments, which were the last in the thread.
(NOTE: This will put all those old posts back in circulation, and people will start liking them again, which is kind of cool.)
5) Log on occasionally as your wife, because her password doesn’t “require a long, byzantine series of letters and numbers that’s impossible to memorize.” Using her profile, leave a bunch of comments she would never make. Like, “Go Alice, go!” on a photo of herself.
6) When Facebook tells you to “help so and so find friends,” take the suggestion seriously, and suggest that person to everyone on your friend list. Just as you would do in real life. Most effective when the friendless person’s name is in Hebrew letters.
7) Give yourself a pat on the back for using social media. You’re still ahead of most 81-year-olds.
Happy Birthday, Dad. Go Dad, go!