I don’t see why everyone’s so worried about H1N1. Do you know what’s way much more contagious than swine flu? I’ll tell you what: cologne. Bad cologne. You can catch it from someone just by being in the same room. Or pizza shop.
You’d expect to come out of a pizza shop smelling like pizza, right?
Not so.
I stopped into Original Famous Ray’s last night, because that’s where you go when you’ve just had a night of wine and chips and wasabi peas with a friend and thought you didn’t need a real dinner but then change your mind on the way home.
It’s also, apparently, where you go when you reek of cologne.
I was waiting to order, and next to me at the counter was this guy, in a black leather jacket, high-waisted jeans and spiky, jelled hair. I could see his scalp. He looked like the town drug dealer or troubled new kid on a soap opera. You know — the 16-year-old “bad boy” who looks 30 and always hangs out by the Port Charles docks, doing something nefarious.
His aftershave was a special kind of nasty, but I didn’t move away. I was too fascinated by his interaction with the guy behind the counter. He asked, “Hey bro. If I buy two slices of pizza, will you cut me a break?” The kid shrugged and gestured towards the guy at the register. He was the one to ask. So Fake Bad Boy shouted his question down that way: “HEY CHIEF, IF I BUY TWO SLICES WITH BROCCOLI, WILL YOU GIVE ME A DISCOUNT? FOR VOLUME? I’M TALKIN’ LIKE, 50 CENTS OFF.” Guy at the register also shrugged, because what did he care, and made a “yeah yeah, just come pay what you have” gesture with his hand.
How could I not watch someone negotiate for a discount on the lowest-priced meal in the city? This person was too cheap to be true. My curiosity trumped my nose, and let me tell you, my nose was gagging.
What I didn’t realize was that just by standing next to him, I was catching a bad case of his crappy scent. A toxic mix of I don’t know what – flowers and curry? I smelled it all the way home, and then when i started to eat my pizza. I determined that the stink was on my hands, and went in the kitchen to wash them with concentrated dish soap. But when I went back to my pizza, I continued to get whiffs of Eau de Fake Bad Boy.
It was clearly still on my hands, but I thought the pizza smelled, too. So I took my hands out of the equation. I put my slice down on the floor and bowed my nose to it like I was in a mosque. Yup. Contaminated.
Pizza with mushrooms and cologne is not good.
I think people who splash on that much fragrance should be quarantined. It’s irresponsible to go walking around with a smell that can infect everyone else.
Then again, I should thank him because I didn’t really want to eat that pizza. The wasabi peas were enough.
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So, you already know I have a very sensitive nose, with a strong aversion to good smells, even, so you can imagine that I almost gagged just READING your post! It made me think of this guy I dated 22 years ago. We called him “the missing link” because he was REALLY hairy (off-topic, but a necessary detail) – and he “wore” Kouros – he must have immersed himself in a bathtub full — the weird thing was, that I, with all my scent issues – actually liked it –I remember I borrowed his fisherman sweater for a few days, and that smell just lingered on and on and on –
I think I can still smell it now, 2 decades later…
Weird…
Wow, we’ve dated some winners. Glad we ended up with people high on the evolutionary chain in the end.
Sounds like Kouros wore him.
you got pizza after our party??? Guess what I ordered at 12 AM – YES, the ultimate late-night meal from my old Jersey girl days: french fries with mozz & gravy (oh no she didn’t!!)
Josh was shocked, entertained and grossed out all at once 🙂
.-= Marie´s last blog ..How To Give Yourself A Self-Deception Reality Check =-.
YAY! I’m so glad you had a secret after-party meal, too. Now I don’t feel so gluttonous. Your snack sounds excellent. Jersey has so many unsung treasures.
Though I think the cologne boy was from there.
I just wrote a very pithy comment to your blog and it got lost in cyberspace. One would imagine that someone of my generation would somehow be able to comment on a blog proficiently. Anyhoo, I just wanted to give a shout out and tell you that I have extreme olfactory sensitivity and I completely agree that those who feel the need to bathe in perfume and cologne should be kept away from the rest of humanity to marinate in their own “eau de.” Looking forward to having you make me laugh more in the future.
Oh man I HATE it when that happens. I’ll be so proud of my excellent comment and then..poof.
But your new comment is probably even better than the lost one. Works for me!
Would you believe I don’t even have a sensitive nose? You’d think I’m a professional sniffer, from the smell posts I’ve been writing. Nope, I can’t smell for sh*t. These smells that plague me are just that strong.
Thanks for stopping by! Glad to have you here.
Oh we did the smells we love, now moving on to smells that gag – Cologne editon. First though, what an interesting experience you had with Mr. Stinky Two Quarters but – I am annoyed that your pizza was contaminated. OK now for the stink. My gorge rises at over indulgent patchouli users. And Lavender (the scent) reminds me of my ex. He loved the stuff.
No, he did me a favor contaminating that pizza. It was pretty late at night, I’d already had a bunch of cheese along with the wasabi peas, and I’m kind of lactose intolerant.
Abuse of patchouli is a sin against mankind.
Old Spice should be outlawed!
Thank you. Or at least contained.