I have fake eyelash extensions, I often put off writing, and I used to be in a cult.
3 things I’ve mentioned here before, and today they all tie together.
First, about the cult:
I’ll give the usual qualifier, which is that it wasn’t a cult-cult, more of a weekly workshop attended by about 70 people, all of whom show up hoping it’ll improve their lives, and leave thinking it has. Yet they come back week after week and year after year with the same weird problems, like “The last date I had was in 1994. Men all say they’re allergic to my 22 cats, but I think that’s an excuse. I think they’re intimidated because I’m so confident and powerful at gardening.”
What’s especially disappointing about this cult is that the leaders (they’re a couple who dress in matching tropical-print vacation shirts) tell every person who wants to make a positive change, “What if you don’t have to change anything or do anything? What if you’re perfect right now, exactly as you are?”
That person always giggles uncomfortably and says, “Wow, kewl. I like that. Yeah, great. I can see that. I’ll do that.”
And then the husband leader says, “Well don’t ‘do’ anything. There’s nothing to do.”
And then more giggling and rambling. “Heh heh. OK. Kewl. Thank you, you guys. I’m really um. Yeah! Excited to be exactly who I am.”
No you’re not. Liar.
Are you wondering why I kept going?
Me too, since I wanted to change something, not be told I didn’t have to change anything. But I did enjoy the theater of it. Discomfort is so entertaining!
Now I’ve written enough about them that I wouldn’t dare show up for their workshop again, though I’m tempted.
So instead, I listen to the podcasts, which are call-in format and provide all the awkward squirming I love, without all the gratuitous hugging I don’t love. Everyone hugs everyone there. God forbid you should skip someone. They’ll bring it up. “When you don’t hug me, you make me feel ‘less than.'”
All that is to say, I love listening to these podcasts while I get my eyelashes done.
It’s a process where you lie there and have your eyes closed for at least 90 minutes, and can’t even check your phone. Other than sometimes hearing other customers snore, it’s pretty great.
Today, while I was getting a new set of lashes done, I listened to an episode where a caller said she was feeling guilty because she’s a writer and she almost never writes.
Know what they told this caller?
“That’s because you’re trying to write when you don’t feel like it. Wait till you feel like it, and it’ll just flow.”
Here’s an important PSA:
That’s the WORST ADVICE EVER.
What writer ever feels like writing? None that I hang with. If I only wrote when I felt like it, the only writing I’d have to show over the course of my life is a bunch of gossipy notes to coworkers and doodled dick-and-balls in the notebooks I used to bring to writers’ meetings. I know, doodling isn’t writing, but the little hairs you draw on the balls when a meeting goes long sometimes resemble letters.
The whole trick to writing is to write when you don’t feel like it.
You think I felt like writing this? No! I felt like watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion Part 3. I already watched it last night, but I’d watch it again just to avoid writing and to try and figure out why Kyle’s face looks so screwed up. Brandi’s face is obvious — cheek implants. But Kyle, I can’t tell what she did.
That’s how much I don’t feel like writing, and here I wrote a whole blog post. If I waited till I felt like it, you’d never hear from me again.
This same caller also said she felt bad that she sat in a different chair than usual and noticed all the dust under her sofa.
They said, “Know what I think? It’s really neat that you sat in a different chair than usual.” “Yeah. How great to get a different perspective.”
The caller said, “Wow, thanks guys, I really love hearing all that. I’m so hard on myself.”
Bet you she never writes anything or vacuums that dust.
Guess you can tell, I’m feeling a little high and mighty because of my newly touched-up eyelashes.
You know what? I am perfect exactly as I am!
Now you.
Do you like being told “You don’t have to change anything”?
Ever get self-help-y advice that actually worked? Do tell.
What podcasts are you into these days?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
I’m a huge fan of your writing Laura! I’m a Copy Cure alum and first heard of you from the course. Excited to have found your blog as well.
Being told to work on my inner state of being first before focusing on external was the best advice someone gave me. Since starting a morning routine everything in my life changed for the better.
For podcasts, I’m liking StoryBrand by Donald Miller, About Progress, Elizabeth Gilbert’s podcast, Super Soul Conversations, and a couple more.
Hope you’re enjoying your writer’s retreat in Italy!
Francesca
I think self-acceptance is important. I also think it you don’t think you have anything to change or improve about yourself you’re delusional.
I once had a counsellor tell me, “You’ve been talking about changing that since we first started working together almost three years ago.” It was like a punch in the face. Guess what I did then? I made the change.
Fav Podcast: Under the Influence, a Canadian CBC gem about marketing and advertising.
Thanks for another great post Laura,
Kim
Laura, perhaps these are your close personal friends and you know all this, but I started looking through your commenters’ Web sites.
They are amazing, and so I feel waaaay behind the 8 ball. What would my Web site even be about? All I’ve got to sell are 10 fast fingers and half a brain.
Anyway…
Despite what they say here…
It seems to me a goodly percentage of your commenters have Web sites devoted to the proposition (more or less) of learning to love yourself because you are perfect just the way you are. Though perhaps in different words. May Ms. Uddo would say she loves parts of herself; I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong about this, but this is what it feels like it to me.
Or maybe the proposition is: “You, too, could love yourself just as you are as I do if you only you’d do as I did and do and I can help you do that.”
Anyway…if someone learns to love himself just the way she is, then that, automatically, is a HUGE change. In fact, it changes everything. My 2 cents.
Your posts are become a LITTLE addictive and making me feel better. This question–to change or not to change–is stupid, as usual. It IS you, just the way you are, to want to change and not be able to change much. End of discussion. A little change. A little no change. A little no change that’s a little different from yesterday’s no change, and a little change that makes you more just who you’ve always been. I dunno.
When are we going to learn to copywrite?
More and more, it seems, that “copywriting sites” are about things like “fake eyelashes.” I guess we’ve gone through the phase where copywriters were gnomes working in well-deserved obscurity writing stuff everyone knew was shallow to rock stars where everyone wants to be a copywriter whatever that is in order to make scads of money to now where copywriting and putting on fake eyelashes are really just two sides of the same coin.
But here’s something that IS important. Being young, you may not know this. But once upon a time, there were things called “typewriters.” Typewriters had the same keyboards as computers and pads and pods do today. But back in those days, only a few people knew “how to type.” You had to learn. You went to class to learn. Yes, reporters knew how to type in a fashion by hunting and pecking with their index fingers, but this wasn’t really typing. I know, because I learned to touch type for real. If you type about a letter a second, maybe a little faster, you’re typing about 50 words a minute.
But once computers, pads and pods came around everyone suddenly knew how to type. People who would never have gone near a typewriter were jumping onto keyboards like they were born to it. My father, born in 1920, who had never typed a word in his life, started to sit down at the keyboard like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Late in life he also took up copywriting.
“becoming”…sorry for all the typos. It’s your fault, though. Where’s the edit button???
The only reason I would spend precious time listening to a podcast/webinar is to change something about myself! I think I would walk out, hang up or switch over to cute photos of puppies on Pinterest if someone told me I was great as is- hey, that I know that already, but I obviously came to learn-why else am I here then? At the moment I’ m picking and choosing BIG Life podcasts (Carl Harvey), Brendon Buchard during dishes & some Tim Ferriss….to change or improve myself.
Best. Line. Ever. “but the little hairs you draw on the balls when a meeting goes long sometimes resemble letters.”
Best. Line. Ever. “but the little hairs you draw on the balls when a meeting goes long sometimes resemble letters.”
It’s true. You ever circle the “Nina”s in an Al Hirschfeld cartoon? It’s like that.
Does a retreat with real monks count as a cult? What about that time in Arizona when I was promised to be transformed, but felt confused and irritated most of the time? I used to attend workshops to please my new age mom. Instead I’d be pissed off that we were there under the assumption there was something wrong with me (and her)…and THIS TIME we’d find the answer through the latest guru. Kinda wish someone would’ve said “You’re fine as you are. Get the heck outta here.” Surely if we were raping and pillaging people and told we’re ‘perfect as is’, that would be a problem. Thankfully mom and me haven’t pillaged anyone I’m aware of. Love your blog Laura! x
That’s exactly the problem, Adele – any rape-and-pillage-ist who went to one of these workshops would be told, like anyone else, “you’re the perfect you!” They’d also be told, “could you not have raped and pillaged when you did? No! You couldn’t have. Because you can’t be any different than you are in any given moment.” Huh?
Writing is the second most painful thing I do every day. Getting out of bed is in the number one slot.
You should stay in bed and write there, so writing can move up to #1!
1. My theme this year is “Change” so no, I don’t like being told not to change.
2. Self help-y advice I actually use: Steal like an artist. Learn the rules and then break them. Totally love these and I use them a lot.
3. The Art of Charm podcast I love. Jordan Harbinger is kind of a douche bag, but he has some awesome guests and content. And yeah “SERIAL” has left me going through withdrawals so I hope there’s another murder mystery to listen to soon.
Do not change your cranky pants!
I sometimes listen to that Art of Charm one, too. Agreed, I’ll do kind-of-douchebag if there are good guests.
“the little hairs you draw on the balls when a meeting goes long sometimes resemble letters”
Laughing so hard now that I don’t feel like writing.
You could just doodle ball hairs, in that case.
It’s for lines like this that I read you: “If I only wrote when I felt like it, the only writing I’d have to show over the course of my life is a bunch of gossipy notes to coworkers and doodled dick-and-balls in the notebooks I used to bring to writers’ meetings.”
I think I’m going to be quoting that for a long time. It even makes me want to paste it into to one of those quote/meme generator thingies (and I’ve only ever done that twice before: once for a Fran Lebowitz quote, the second time for something to do with self-doubt and the edible anus empire).
To be grouped with Fran Lebowitz and Edible Anus is the highest compliment I’ve ever had.
I knew I was good enough! Kewl.
Yeah. Wow. Kewl.
I love your Dad!
Geezer/babushka’d, or otherwise…his writing voice, so much like my Dad’s.
And, quick beauty tip – gloriously fragrant, deep-country Italian organic olive oil grows eyelashes.
Just gotta dab it on. Mornings. Trust me.
Ciaaooooo
I’m going to try that. It’ll have to be on the bottom lashes, because I can’t get oil on my fake ones. Thanks for the tip. And yes, my dad’s the greatest. He speaks some Italian, too.
I was once asked to give a workshop at a conference with the theme of “you’re already perfect, don’t change.” I was like, okay, so, what do I teach them then? What I taught changed people, I guess, and I was never asked back. Boo.
Seriously. I don’t get why people love being told not to change anything. Loving my life or self “as is” has never been of interest to me. No thanks.
Yes, I do like being told that I don’t have to change anything. But also: showering is sometimes a boon. Only so many pyjama-ed days I can get away with. Having said that, I have written an incredible (for me) 30,000 words of my book in my PJs, in the dark, sort of squinting at the screen and the backlit keyboard so as to pretend I am still asleep.
I really liked Oliver Burkeman’s book Antidote which was all about how we don’t necessarily have to be feeling great in order to actually Do the Things. Best advice ever.
I like the You Are Not So Smart podcast and one from the BBC called Four Thought which, if you’re not a Brit, you could listen to just to laugh at the accents.
Also there is one called the Kraken Podcast which I haven’t listened to let, but they posted a picture of how baby rays look like tiny damned souls trapped in ravioli, so that’s obviously a priority based on their sense of humour.
You Are Not So Smart is a great title! I’m looking it up.
I needed to hear that. Big time! I’ve been slacking and doing the bare minimum but I know the more consistently I write, the better I write as well.
Best advice: the reminder that if I want different results I need to do things differently. The opposite of not changing anything lol
Fave podcast lately: Underground Wellness w the yummy Sean Croxton
And, the more you write, the more you write. Something I discovered when I was writing every day. That’s hard to keep up, but so is writing every week or so. Because the less you write, the less you can think of to write about. At least that’s true for me.
Changing something is always hard for me. I can’t even bare to change my coffee order for a day!
Writing this for the 3rd time. 1st: Didn’t push the pink button below. 2nd: Kept it as “new” in order to shift to something else, so it disappeared. I’m going back to programming the IBM 140l as I did just after the Flood.
Re writing: In your great photo of this-here geezer/babushka, you omitted word that (s)he had just jumped down to the sand from the lifeguard station in the rear.
Also re writing: Your writing provoked this response to me from your cousin in the northwest, who can disclose identity on their own:
“You are outed and famous. Read about you and saw you in Laura’s blog
today.
Comedy aside, how is your scalp? That is no laughing matter.
Did you know
sunburn can creep into your brain and make you
outrageously humorous?
“The
sun must have come out unexpectedly. Sunscreen is our friend; also
hats. Take
care of yourself!”
Yes, L, I also hate to write and therefore indulge myself instead inside your grandmother Helen’s favorite saying, “Procrastination is the thief of time.” Add to that my love of having written.
So we’re all back from the fantasy-like stay at Paradise Point (island) of San Diego.
What a pleasure for me and Mom to have 4 or 5 days with you, and with Marian’s
family of Rob, Samson (5) and Elena (3) down from L.A. & ; along with Allan & Ina Gartenberg, also from L.A., he being my friend from age 4, she from 23. That Marian
and Mom both researched & preferred that place is amazing. Truly a paradise.
Keep funnying,
Ciao bella,
Dad
Dad, you know what’s the thief of comments? Multitasking. Next time, you’re not allowed to open another browser window till you finish your comment and click the pink button.
I didn’t know grandma had a saying other than the one about the trolley car.
Miss you too, that was a great vacation!
I need someone to kick me in the balls. Pull me up on my shit. If they are all flowers and sunshine and ‘your fabulous as you are’ how the *bleep* do I grow?
Seriously. All the ball massaging doesn’t get you anywhere. They must be kicked.
The podcast I like to listen to is the one about the serial killer. I think it’s called “Being Here.”
I wonder if serial killers also get lazy and need encouragement. “Sometimes, I just don’t have the strength to kill someone; like, I. just. can’t.” “You might think about killing someone just after you wake up. Just get it over with and focus how relieved you will feel for the rest of the day. What YOU do is important, those people aren’t going to just serial-kill themselves, you know.”
I think the serial killer was arrested because he resisted it.
Laura I have JUST the podcast for you! I heartily recommend to you “My Brother, My Brother and Me,” made by three brothers who give intentionally shitty advice. They’re quite funny and as lazy as you could be while still cranking out a podcast every week. One of the brothers also does another podcast called “Sawbones” with his wife, who is a doctor. They talk about fucked-up medical practices of the past. you can find ’em both on iTunes, or Stitcher, or any of those things.
Oh thank you, McPaul, I’ll check that one out. I love lazy people and shitty advice!
I would agree that advice kinda sucked. I mean Billy Joel can sing about being loved just the way you are but….
This drives me crazy. The smooshie hawaiian shirt wearing new age bunk. The real work, writing or otherwise, takes place when you want it all to sod off. Just need to show up, grit your teeth and get it done.
Am I great just as I am? Sure. Inside, past the madness, we embody sanity. So if we still the madness we can touch that core of excellence. Stilling the madness takes effort though. Not admiring the dust bunnies under the chair. (Although the bunnies are beautiful just as they are. Truly. We love you little bunnies!!!!)
Very glad you stopped going to their meetings. Might suggest letting go of the podcast too. Do something better with your time. Even a good bowel movement would likely be a better use of your time.
I listen to Penn’s Sunday School on occasion. That guy Penn is crazy and funny. Don’t always agree with him but he’s likely not going to tell me not to put effort in and just coast.
And I listen to books on tape – especially classics.
And Terry Gross interviews.
And talks from the Dalai Lama and Pema Chodron.
Other than that I spend my time reading your wonderful blog and vacuuming the crap out of the sofa.
Cheers –
Oh, the podcast is just during my eyelash sessions. Otherwise, I have a whole bunch of others I listen to. Terry Gross would probably leave me smarter, though. So would books on tape.
You show that sofa dust who’s boss!
I hate you for writing this. It’s totally true and advice I don’t follow and it sucks and I hate you.
I also love you because now I have to write when I don’t feel like it, which is tomorrow.
I love you for reading this, though. And for hating me for it. Did you do it, did you write?
What on earth did you have “done” to your eyelashes?
I hate being told I don’t have to change anything. I thrive on constructive criticism. (You can even question my use of quotation marks. It’s cool.)
We don’t get any better by being told we’re all rainbows and daisies. Sometimes, we have spinach in our teeth and we need to be told so we can fix it.
Extensions, baby! They’re the best. If you can’t have real long ones, this is the way to go. Though another of my readers is swearing by olive oil below…
I always think the people who say they like blogging or that it’s easy are lying. This confirms that. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Someone who hasn’t wanted to blog for at least a year.
Those people need to be punched in the dick.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
If I would have been drinking something, I would have spit it out. But I wasn’t, so I didn’t.
The best self help advice I ever got was, “You will be too tired to get up early and exercise, but do it anyway and just get it over with. It won’t actually ever get easier, but you’ll gradually be able to do more reps in the same amount of time.”
Does getting up early without the exercise ever get easier? Say yes and maybe I’ll try it.